Let’s be honest, one doesn’t need to be named Zelda and own a crystal ball to predict what’s going to happen in the next year when it comes to wrestling. Sure, some things are pretty standard: Some new wrestlers will debut, some current wrestlers will disappear forever, and some old wrestlers will die at a shockingly young age.

But even beyond those givens, it doesn’t take a fortuneteller to predict the next 365 days of wrestling. This is because—SPOILER ALERT—wrestling is scripted, just like soap operas, procedural dramas, and every “reality” television show currently on the air.

These scripts follow formulas because, like it or not, most people don’t like surprises while watching these types of shows. They tune in because the characters they know and love are going to be the same throughout. To some, that level of knowing/comfort is entertainment. You know, like Groundhog Day.

But to me, the routine of knowing what’s around every corner gets really fucking boring really fucking quickly. I like my entertainment shaken up, not predictable. Honestly, this is partly why I’ve become so bored with all things wrestling as of late. Ironic for a guy who writes about it every week, right? Yeah... sigh.

There’s always a way out, though. Right, Phil?

Anyway, now that a new year is upon us—it’s true, so stop writing 2015 on everything already—I’ve decided to go ahead and give five predictions for what will happen in the WWE during the next 31,536,000 seconds.

Can you believe that’s how many seconds there are in a year? Fuck, what am I doing with my life?!?

The New Day Will Add a Fourth Member

I can’t explain why I think this will happen, but I just have a feeling. To be clear, even if it does happen it will be an extremely brief shtick that goes absolutely nowhere. Maybe a third-tier guy like Damien Sandow or Bo Dallas joins because he wants to “hang out with the cool kids,” or maybe it’s some part of a tag-team shakeup, where one of the Prime Time Players (probably Darren Young over Titus O’Neil) switches sides in a middle-of-a-match shocker. Or, fuck, maybe sometime around St. Patrick’s Day, Hornswoggle joins just for shits and giggles. Again, if this does happen it will be short-lived, but Xavier Woods, Big E, and Kofi Kingston are having way too much fun to not let a fellow Superstar jump into the mix, albeit briefly.

Becky Lynch Will Become Divas Champ

This one is a no-brainer, especially since they’ve been hinting at it for weeks now. Still, Becky’s turn as Divas Champ will actually be a little bit surprising. Not because she hasn’t been with the company that long (she debuted on the main roster less than six months ago), but because WWE no longer seems to be putting all of their Diva eggs in the Paige/Bella Twins basket. The company has a long history of pushing one person (or one select group of people) forever (i.e. Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, John Cena, etc.), but giving Becky the Championship would continue their still-somewhat-new trend of bringing folks up from NXT and almost immediately rewarding them with a belt. They did it with Paige, they did it with Kevin Owens, and in 2016 they will do it with Becky Lynch.

Seth Rollins Will Return... and Immediately Become Champion Again

Rollins is on a slow mend after his torn ACL/MCL/meniscus injury last November, but as soon as he’s back on his feet the company will instantly push him back to the top of the roster.

Some of this is due to the fact that Rollins admittedly makes a damn fine heel—he’s the guy everyone loves to hate, and automatically making him the Champ again will most certainly achieve and enforce just that. But the company will also do it because, just as I mentioned above, they have a very small pool of talent that they trust with the Championship. Love him or hate him, Seth Rollins is one of those people. And because of this, the World Heavyweight belt will be back around his waist before 2016’s curtain call.

Dean Ambrose Will Turn Heel

This prediction may be more influenced by what I want to happen than by what the reality of the business may actually be, but a man can dream can’t he? The company has been making a big deal about the “brothers in arms” when referring to their current top two belt holders (Ambrose and Reigns), which makes me wonder if this is just all a slow burn toward a potential rivalry between the two later this year.

They’ll never turn Reigns heel (like Cena, he’s too popular with the kids and sells way too many t-shirts), but I could see Ambrose making the move somewhere down the line. My prediction is this: Ambrose will lose the Intercontinental Championship at some point, and he’ll blame Reigns—who will still be in possession of the World Heavyweight belt at the time—for it. He’ll slowly/quietly turn heel, which will then only be revealed after Rollins returns. Maybe Ambrose will fuck over Reigns, which will then allow Rollins to regain the title in the process. I love Ambrose as a good guy, and love even more that fans (especially kids) love him because of it. But as is often the case in WWE, when fans like something it usually changes. Which brings me to my final prediction:

Fans Will Bitch and Moan

This goes without saying. But in this new year, WWE fans—myself included—need to swallow the bitter pill that is our wrestling reality. No matter how much we cry, complain, and curse at the TV, what we want doesn’t matter. Know why? Because like an abused spouse, we keep making excuses and coming back. So yes, in 2016, wrestling fans will undoubtedly be frustrated, disappointed, and even question whether or not we should continue watching. But we will. And at the start of 2017, 365 days from today, I’ll write another prediction post saying the same goddamn thing. Because we, the wrestling fans, are gluttons for punishment.