Just submitted my application for a one-way mission to colonize Mars. If I'm successful I'll let children store yellow cake uranium in their garden sheds when they build nuclear reactors.

I want some split pea soup with some homemade croutons and little frankfurter slices.

Thanks to Penny I have a much better understanding of friends with benefits.

Apparently it's illegal to store yellow cake uranium in a garden shed. I learned that one at a young age, thanks to the government.

Nobody sits in my spot.

Tried masturbating for money today. It was unsuccessful since I couldn't guarantee that my sperm would produce high IQ offspring.

The beauty of having friends on social media is that I've never met any of them.

I had to stop playing Words with Friends because Stephen Hawking won't play me back and there's no one else who would be an intellectually equal opponent.

I still have the DNA of Leonard Nimoy! I suppose I will have to make my own clone of him now. leS Daq roj HoD. Learn Klingon.

They canceled Alphas! Why would they do such a thing? Especially considering the major cliffhanger they left us with last season. The SyFy channel will be hearing from me!

I'm on the short list for tenure!

Amy and I are getting a turtle!

Howard is a much better dungeon master than Leonard. His character voices and sound effects are spectacular! Leonard may as well have been pantsed in the schoolyard for his lunch money.

I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

My weekly schedule-Monday: Thai nightTuesday: Burger nightWednesday: Comic book store nightThursday: Pizza nightFriday: Vintage game nightSaturday: Laundry nightSunday: Farmer's MarketShould you have any questions or need a frame of reference to consult you can download Sheldon Cooper's Weekly Schedule and Roommate Agreement from the app store.

Oh gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.