I have come to realize that I am almost39 and since the time I was born I have done but fight to stay alive. From my abusive Dad who never allowed us to go any were, who never allowed us to celebrate a birthday, Christmas or even Easter. All we did was work and get beat. We get out of that life and at 15 years old I step into school for the first. At 16 the man my Mom falls in love dies from cancer, at 17 I have my 1st child hook up and marry an older man who beats me, rabes me , puts drugs into my drings, forces me to do things I don't want to, an then almost kills me by strangling me. If I had not heard my son crying out of the darkness I probably would have died. That is when I knew I had to find a way out and I did. I meet the man of my dreams he stole my heart. He is/was the father to my youngest. He developed. Dease that caused his bones and joints to fuse together, after getting married and being together for 7 years and this was 7 years of butterflys everytime I thought of or saw him. He was my soul mate, the pain got the better of him and he committed sucide. A while later I hook up with the man I have bben with for almost 12 years. It is a battle, he thinks I should say nothign, he accusse me of things that are not true, I love him. But I don't think he loves me anymore. My whole has been abatttle is should not be one now. He says he does not love, doesn't want to have sex withme and that he prays he dies every night. How am I suppost to feel to this? I love him, I love when he hold me but those are far and inmatween