A girl told me once that she wanted a boob job for her birthday. So I bought her a bottle of baby lotion and whipped my cock out.

If you're talking to a guy and he's only staring at your #boobs, just look at his package and squint a little.

Dear Monday, I want to break up. I'm seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it's not me, it's you.

Holding my breath while this guy near me talking in line, "your breath is disrespectful"..

Girls with big boobs, stop saying "my eyes are up here" ...I know your eyes are up there, I wasn't looking at your eyes.

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his
penis, something she seemed to love to do.  Enjoying it, he turned and
asked her, 'Why do you love doing that so much?'  She replied, "Because I
really miss mine."

turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever.









turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever.















turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever.









I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever.

Flight attendent: "Would you like some headphones?" Me: "Yes! And how did you know my name is Phones?"

Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Starbucks asks where I am. The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.

Hey she just called you lazy ... "Oh hell no! Go tell her I'm not..."

I'm pretty sure that unicorns were the first ones to ever call each other dickheads. ;)

I wish Maury Povich's wife would get pregnant so someone could say " You are NOT! the father"

I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

I got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently, the sign "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different.