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I hate when i’m trying to blow out birthday candles and little kids try to do it with me
excuse u it’s not ur birthday so back the fuck up
Dora: Say map.
Me: (eating cereal) Map.
Boots: Louder!
Me: (knocks cereal off table) Fucking Map!
Got in a wreck with a smart car today, its totalled. My bike is fine though.
Show moreI don't care if it's 3 A.M. I don't consider it "tomorrow" until I wake up.
Show moreIF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, come sit with me and we can make fun of people together.
Show moreThat awkward moment when you hear a recording of your voice and you wonder how you have any friends.
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