The Hawk

Who you are now: The adrenaline junkie who has had “every bone in your body broken,” you skate morning, noon and night. You've tried every extreme sport and have surfed in the morning and driven up the mountains to snowboard in the afternoon. You smoke a lot of pot, and you watch a lot of cartoons, but you have a steady stream of income thanks to you and your friends’ “growth enterprises.” You also listen to a steady stream of Peter Tosh-Sublime-Bob Marley-Tycho on repeat.

Who you’ll be: The guy who’ll wear porkpie hats unironically, you’ll have a job as a hedge fund banker, but you’ll still skate to work because you want to feel like you can still sleep in til 11:30am. Who cares about your increased body mass index, your brittle bones and your failing vision? At least you’re not dating an 18-year-old. Plus, there’s nothing cooler than teaching your 4-year-old how to skateboard.