You know what bothers me so damn much but it’s not going to change?
I am married and I sleep alone. He does not come to bed until 3am or later.
It’s one am currently and I bet he’s either just started a movie or is less than half way.
The best part of being married is having a cuddle buddy and I don’t have that. I have a texting partner. I have someone that does care about me but really isn’t around me. We shofar the kids to their events and briefly discus how life is….
I want a date. So fucking badly I want a thought process to go into time spent with me. Anything.

I feel alone.
I feel very disappointed.
I was so happy to go to the waterfalls.
I worked hard at getting used to walking again.
I was happy.
Cory and Jessica forgot to plan for the trip and said they couldn’t come.
Wallace hurt his ankle right as we were leaving which…. I’m on the fence of believing. I’m irritated cause I needed the help today. It was hard. I could have done the walk but I should have told him I was leaving kiyia and leaving Autumn with him if he wasn’t going. His family would have immediately jumped to watch those two cause they’re his and he could have rested all day.

I’m finally becoming less dizzy. I have been taking prenatal vitamins twice a day, iron pills once a day, nerve pills that I had originally bought for Wallace twice a day.
Figure he doesn’t take anything I buy him for more than a week so I might as well.
Our waterfall trip is this weekend. Still no clue if Cory or his wife will be coming. Kind of hoping they forgot lol

Nothing sucks more than knowing your period is always on the 21st but it’s late as hell (no I’m not pregnant) I just don’t know when it’s planning to appear. So now I’m trying to base outfits around a period that may or may not appear that day….

Being a step mom has so many benefits. I didn’t have to have the child cut out or squeezed out of me…. And I get to love on another ball of happiness every day.
But when events happen that the birth mom attends as well I definitely dislike being just the “step mom”
Normally I take them iceskating and get the “LOOK AT ME” moments and the pictures… but I am 100% ignored currently and my feelings are hurt.
I am definitely over reacting and I need to chill out. Blah.

The lack of dates.
The lack of spending time together.
I just don’t understand.
I feel very frustrated.
I’m not saying I need shit for Valentine’s Day but I damn sure expected it.

I’m waiting on the day I don’t “have” to do something. I know it’s not Wallace’s fault but I would love him to eventually be a guy would could pick up the slack when I really am not up to doing stuff.
Really thought I would be able to sleep in this morning.
Woken up by Wallace on phone with inspector.
All of a sudden Wallace is sick.
So now I’m downstairs waiting for a person I DIDNT know was coming.
I love Wallace so much but I’m …. Tired, Overwhelmed, Frustrated. He’s so freaken sweet and the person I want to be with forever… I just wish his health was better.

I invited Cory and Jessica to go hiking to the Waterfall. I know it’s about half a mile so with vertigo I’ll just have to take my time and do it slowly. I paid for hotel rooms and I do home he shows up
What’s bothering me is I don’t think Wallace is going to go. I honestly think he is going to creat a reason not to do it. I was really hoping that inviting Cory would “push” him to want to go. I really wanted him to be active. Seems like me having vertigo has been his reasoning to completely not exercise.
Vertigo sucks. I DONT want to pay for hotel at waterfall place and then all of a sudden have Cory cancel and Wallace unable to do it. I can walk but it’s going to take me a while. Dealing with 4 hyper kids and me keeping up…. Idk

Ever notice if you tell someone that you’re depressed, or something is mentally wrong that they immediately say “why, really? Stop it” as if mental illness is something I can just be like “wow I’m going to try to be happy today.”

I want a actual date. I’m lonely. I told him it wasn’t a big deal but I definitely feel let down currently.

I’m really hoping Snoes educational level gets where it needs to be with number recognition, basic sight words, and sounding out words. I know I made the choice for her to be in Kindergarten this year homeschooled but…. Idk. Her speech is almost perfect now and she graduated out of speech classes which is wonderful.
Wynter is taking Outschool classes currently for history, math, Greek mythology, and art. With extra random math and science classes thrown in thru out the month. I have her write her X tables out every day 3-5 times depending on what they have to do. Learning Iceskating and guitar once a week for an hour each.
I feel like Wallace doesn’t think Wynter does enough but honestly I think she does too much. Why should my kid do more than she needs to learn the material given. Kiyia has a lot of extra shit to do and has a whole curriculum on Mia Academy because she doesn’t retain it. Her mom doesn’t work with her and I refuse to fight with someone.

Everything from packing to go on the trip, to waking up Wallace to actually get shit down for the trip, to dealing with SIMPLE household repair appointments…. I honestly think I am going to schedule a vacation with my own three children away from everyone.
I have been constantly reminded about how kiyia isn’t my kid. Vanessa and getting kiyias hair done which has been over a year bullshit. Poor kid looks like shit cause no one wants to get her hair done. Shame. School work she is continually babied. She sits there and does her stuff and remembers nothing after doing it.
If I had known Vanessa with her gross ass smoking and inability to talk with me was going to be a part of Kiyia’s homeschool as it has then I wouldn’t of agreed to it. I want Wallace next year to open his own school for her and deal with it himself cause…. I just don’t want to.

I literally feel like I occupy my time so jammed packed with trips and activities so I don’t notice how depressed I am. How much I think about how much of a burden I am.
I had a great day at the zoo. I mean wonderful but now that I’m alone in my room on my bed all I can think about is how my kids have the money and I can die now.
I don’t know how to properly ask Wallace to come upstairs and spend time with me while I go to bed. I just need him in the room so I don’t take insulin or pills. Idk.
I’m sad. I have no reason to be. I have a wonderful life so why can’t I feel happy?

Today all the kids did a great job on their school work and actually listened to me (for the most part). Now if they could only do that every day…
My friend from dale city wants to hang out and me pick her up with her two children and take her to the zoo in the 14th…. My issue is this… the zoo is 5 hours from our home. I have no issue with the drive but if I am going there I want to be there all day long. Not just for one or two hours. She wants me to pick her up and drive her there to be with us…. But it has to be after 10:30am…. Then she wants to leave zoo at 1:30pm so she can be home to get her daughter from daycare.
Idk I really feel like I am just going to tell her my tire is flat I can’t go…. And then go with my 4 kids; spend the whole day there and come home late after a full day at zoo.

I hope that when my dad dies his spirt is in heaven or wherever and he is able to see all the shit that I am going through. All the feelings of depression I have. All the lies of “I’m ok” that I tell people daily. I hope he gets to see how much he affected me as a parent when I told him I needed mental help and he just told me to behave cause his friends wouldn’t think highly of him. Or when I was a year older and I told him I wanted to kill myself and couldn’t feel happy for some reason and he just told me satan was to blame…. Proceeded to get my items and kick me out of the house cause Jesus was love and if I wasn’t happy I didn’t need to be there. I just hope that he actually can go through my memories when he’s dead and see all the shit he put me through.

I become incredibly upset at Wallace each time he fucking talks, makes dumb fucking noises, or does stupid shit directly next to the kids that are trying to do homeschooling work and fucking learn. Huge damn distraction and it’s so unneeded. I am happy I can send wynter upstairs to do work cause it’s very unneeded.
Kiyia gets things over explained for no damn reason. Doesn’t get challenged to her potential. At all. I hope eventually her mom and dad seriously need to learn how to work together and fucking try with her.
Biggest issue is pushing her Outschool homework off until a day before it’s due. No one prioritizes school work for her.

It’s so damn annoying dealing with a over sensitive child. Then dealing with the dad who doesn’t MAKE her get the fuck over it and deal with the school work. Snoe Autumn and Wynter all get their stuff done at adequate time frames… Kiyia just sits there until her dad over explains things and practically gives her answers on work. She’s not learning how to do things herself. It bothers me that their not letting her get to her full potential. I see how smart she is and it just seems so unfair Wynter is in a 4th grade level and Kiyia is definitely in 3rd.

I kind of wish I would have went to tanglewood alone this time. Between Wallace playing Pokémon the entire time, the kids arguing or talking about bathroom breaks…. It definitely wasn’t the same and I honestly didn’t have a good time. Wallace was on his phone the entire time. Sometimes not taking photos, not playing Pokémon and just staying off electronics is a good thing. I wanted the hand holding, the cute jokes and the cuddles like he did last year….

Just found out I’m pregnant again. Had a faint line on the test. God. I hate pregnancy. It never grows into a child and then about 3 months in I’m just standing in shower gushing blood everywhere making sure I clean up everything so my kids don’t get worried or come in. I don’t ever have time to deal with my own emotions. I just hide pregnancy and hide my emotions.

I’m tired… tired of stressing out over situations involving money. The lack of my current money, the over supply of my soon to have amount… there just seems to be no in the middle.