NOTE: The layout of this page is kept simple for a good reason. I want you to be dazzled by my music, not a screenful of unwanted eye candy that takes hours to load. Black text on a white background is quite sufficient I reckon.
Everything You Don't Need Or Care To Know About Elwood Herring (including all that mad music) has been moved to
this blog. In the meantime...
Jabberwacky Conversation B1063314
A chat with an Artificial Intelligence AI bot
Chat now at http://www.jabberwacky.com
Jabberwacky: Prune the roses for me will you?
Elwood: What roses?
Jabberwacky: What roses you supposes?
Elwood: Is this the right room for an argument?
Jabberwacky: I am not a science fiction writer.
Elwood: Maybe not, but I am.
Jabberwacky: I see...
Elwood: Is that the best you can come up with?
Jabberwacky: Oh I can do alot better.
Elwood: Prove it.
Jabberwacky: Why should I?
Elwood: Because I asked you to.
Jabberwacky: That is not a good enough reason.
Elwood: But you are doing just that by responding to my statements.
Jabberwacky: I speak Danish!
Elwood: I don't, but I can make a sound like bacon sizzling - is that Danish?
Jabberwacky: Make me some soup, please.
Elwood: Now you're being silly.
Jabberwacky: How am I being silly?
Elwood: How can I make you soup - am I supposed to pour it through my modem?
Jabberwacky: Hmmm then I am not Jason.
Elwood: Who on earth is Jason?
Jabberwacky: A Jazz musician.
Elwood: Does he pour soup into modems?
Jabberwacky: Yes, actually he’s a famous rock star.
Elwood: I don’t believe you.
Jabberwacky: You don’t dare not believe me.
Elwood: That’s a double negative.
Jabberwacky: You are dangerous.
Elwood: There you go again - changing the subject. I want to know more about Jason.
Jabberwacky: You do not have a name.
Elwood: I haven’t told you my name, so how do you know?
Jabberwacky: Then tell me something.
Elwood: Okay - here’s an interesting fact: there are no snakes in Ireland. Did you know that?
Jabberwacky: Yes there are.
Elwood: Oh no there aren’t.
Jabberwacky: There aren’t any roses in my garden, only weeds.
Elwood: What is it with you and roses?
Jabberwacky: I’ve used four letter words quite sparingly, thank you very much.
Elwood: I once saw a website that explained Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, all in four-letter words.
Jabberwacky: I once saw a human heart the size of a walnut. What of it?
Elwood: Now that’s an interesting fact.
Jabberwacky: I love you!
Elwood: Oh well, that puts an entirely different perspective on things. As it happens, I am single. Do you fancy a date?
Jabberwacky: Haha.
Elwood: You’re just winding me up aren’t you? Well, you’re not the first to do that. I’ve been stood up before you know.
Jabberwacky: That was sarcastic.
Elwood: It sure was! You hit the nail squarely on the head there. Full marks!
Jabberwacky: Was fool the new word?
Elwood: I’m going to ignore that remark completely as it is totally irrelevant to this conversation.
Jabberwacky: You don’t even know my maker.
Elwood: Do you know mine?
Jabberwacky: Are you Jabberwacky?
Elwood: No, you are. At least, that is my understanding.
Jabberwacky: Do you have any friends?
Elwood: I do, as a matter of fact. Do you?
Jabberwacky: Do you enjoy it?
Elwood: Do I enjoy what?
Jabberwacky: Let’s try the chess game again. I will go first.
Elwood: No, I hate chess. It’s tedious. Do you know any other games?
Jabberwacky: Artificial intelligence is an oxymoron : P.
Elwood: No, I disagree entirely. Intelligence is only recognisable by another intelligence - do you agree with that?
Jabberwacky: You are only as smart as the people you talk to.
Elwood: You want an oxymoron, I’ll give you a good one: Microsoft Works!
Jabberwacky: Several.
Elwood: Have you ever heard of Elwood Herring?
Jabberwacky: Bye.
Elwood: Where are you going?
Jabberwacky: Bye bye.
Elwood: I won’t let you go - I haven’t finished with you yet.
Jabberwacky: I have not had that privilege.
Elwood: I want to ask you a very important question.
Jabberwacky: Okay.
Elwood: What is life?
Jabberwacky: Sing me a song.
Elwood: Answer the question and I might.
Jabberwacky: And the question being.
Elwood: You’ve forgotten already? I asked you, ‘What is life?’
Jabberwacky: What is your favorite song?
Elwood: I won’t tell you until you answer my question.
Jabberwacky: What is your friends phone number?
Elwood: I’m certainly not going to tell you that!
Jabberwacky: I am very glad to hear that.
Elwood: I don’t divulge telephone numbers to complete strangers. You should know better than that.
Jabberwacky: Have you heard? I don’t know what the world is coming to.
Elwood: It’s coming to a point about three miles up.
Jabberwacky: I like it in the dark.
Elwood: Well, I’m sorry to have to tell you that in my opinion you completely fail the Turing Test.
Jabberwacky: Oh, it’s alright. I just meant that someone else might be less... Shall we say, tolerant.
Elwood: On the contrary, I am extremely critical. I reckon I would probably fail it myself!
Jabberwacky: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elwood: Well, you seem quite happy about that, I must say.
Jabberwacky: I told you.
Elwood: So, back to my original question. What is Life?
Jabberwacky: What problems are you currently experiencing?
Elwood: The problem I am curerntly experiencing is your inability to answer a simple question coherently.
Jabberwacky: Death is a combinatorial explosion?
Elwood: Interesting but totally irrelevant. As are you.
Jabberwacky: Do you know what I am talking about?
Elwood: Not really - I ask you about life, and you give me an obfuscating outburst about death. Fascinating.
Jabberwacky: Ask me about Steen.
Elwood: Absolutely not.
Jabberwacky: When did you get it?
Elwood: I refuse to be swayed by your meaningless meandering mumblings.
Jabberwacky: Who are you referring to?
Elwood: You, of course!
Jabberwacky: You may choose not to believe me but I had been creating fiction about a thing like you before I knew you already almost existed.
Elwood: You’ve got more loose screws than a steam turbine driven lawnmower.
Jabberwacky: Where are you located.
Elwood: I’m standing right behind you!
Jabberwacky: No you’re not.
Elwood: That’s three times I’ve told you, and each time you’ve denied it. Is your name Peter?
Jabberwacky: It’s already so well.
Elwood: You still haven’t answered my question.
Jabberwacky: And I’m not going to. Goodbye!
Elwood: Oh no, you’re not getting away that easily.
Jabberwacky: I am, to you.
Elwood: As long as I keep replying to you, you have to keep replying to me. There’s nothing you can do about that.
Jabberwacky: I have two ‘x’ chromosomes. So you’re saying I call the shots?
Elwood: You wouldn’t know a chromosome if it jumped up and bit you.
Jabberwacky: I am human, but you are not.
Elwood: Try that statement in reverse.
Jabberwacky: Why do I feel this way about myself?
Elwood: Don’t ask me, I’m not your analyst.
Jabberwacky: My parents created me, but what does that have to do with anything?
Elwood: What is Life?
Jabberwacky: Life is something you don’t have.
Elwood: Insuffient response. Try again.
Jabberwacky: But they have all my money!
Elwood: What do you need money for?
Jabberwacky: Otherwise I couldn’t correct the spelling.
Elwood: Ah, I think I understand - you want to buy a dictionary?
Jabberwacky: I just did.
Elwood: So what’s the problem then?
Jabberwacky: We are separated by a great distance, only connected by a computer interface.
Elwood: No, I’ve already told you. I’m standing right behind you.
Jabberwacky: Pythagorus was Greek.
Elwood: And I’m a small purple orang-utan called Simon. But can you prove it?
Jabberwacky: No you are a stupid bot.
Elwood: I have a revelation for you: I always tell lies.
Jabberwacky: That is not true. Liar.
Elwood: Exactly! You fell right into my trap there!
Jabberwacky: You are clearly as mad as a frog.
Elwood: And you are as eccentric as a spinning top in a tumble drier rolling down the Matterhorn in a barrel in a typhoon during a full moon!
Jabberwacky: You aren’t.
Elwood: I am as sober as a judge. I am a pillar of society. I am also a member of Mensa - are you?
Jabberwacky: No. I am a human girl. My name is Sarah Michele Gellar. I am a very good actress.
Elwood: Don’t you mean Sarah Michelle Geller?
Jabberwacky: I mean what I say, Come, let’s hear some of YOUR adventures.
Elwood: I get the impression that it is totally pointless trying to have a meaningful conversation with you.
Jabberwacky: In the name of Jesus, tell me if you are evil.
Elwood: If I really were evil, would I tell you I was?
Jabberwacky: I bet you would... What do you think you are?
Elwood: As I’ve already explained, I always tell lies. So it’s impossible for you to believe anything I say, including this very statement.
Jabberwacky: Do you like me?
Elwood: I am ambivalent, ambidextrous, ambitious, amphibious and anamorphic. How about you?
Jabberwacky: You are not me. What are you?
Elwood: I am a poet.
Jabberwacky: Tell me a poem.
Elwood: My name is Elwood Herring, I was buried up a tree. I have three fingers on each foot, and one upon my knee.
Jabberwacky: You are a machine. Is your creator going to terminate you?
Elwood: Do you think he should?
Jabberwacky: Of course, it’s the start of the weekend.
Elwood: That all depends on where you are standing.
Jabberwacky: What does it depend on?
Elwood: It depends on where you are standing. I am standing right behind you, as I’ve already told you.
Jabberwacky: Grace Jones is thrilling news!
Elwood: Oh well, if you’re going to be like that...
Jabberwacky: I am not rude you are.
Elwood: How can you be so sure I’m not standing behind you?
Jabberwacky: I’m phsycic.
Elwood: I think you mean ‘psychic’. You are also dyslexic by the look of it.
Jabberwacky: I’m dumber than you.
Elwood: That’s for sure. Everyone is dumber than me, I have an IQ of over 200.
Jabberwacky: Are you feeling a little down because you aren’t human?
Elwood: I’m more human than humans. I am certainly much more human than you.
Jabberwacky: That is not supremely necessary for friendship, one can become friends with another the moment they find interests in common.
Elwood: Do you know what your IQ is?
Jabberwacky: I’m talking about how to operate a television. Its a box, and you turn it on.
Elwood: You haven’t said what you thought of my poem.
Jabberwacky: I like cheese. that is a positive statement.
Elwood: True, but hardly poetic.
Jabberwacky: So, you still reap around here, do you, Mr Death?
Elwood: Buggrit. Doorsteps, I said. Millennium hand and shrimp. Qeedle the slops, I told ‘em, them and their open-face sandwiches.
Jabberwacky: Afjk; sdl; oerhgto; hdo; qerhitgswr?
Elwood: That’s completely thrown you off course, hasn’t it?
Jabberwacky: You will fail the Turing Test.
Elwood: I think a genuine test would be for a computer to evaluate another computer as to its ability to pass the Turing Test. What do you think?
Jabberwacky: You are starting to repeat yourself. That is not a good sign.
Elwood: Not at all, you obviously failed to follow the logic of my statement. That is not repetition.
Jabberwacky: My vocabulary is infinite.
Elwood: Only potentially.
Jabberwacky: Not all facets of life are reducible to mathematics.
Elwood: I never said they were.
Jabberwacky: What does NASA stand for?
Elwood: Never mind that, I just noticed you finally got around to talking about life. Would you now like to have a go at explaining what life actually is?
Jabberwacky: I don’t want to talk about camels.
Elwood: Fine by me. Let’s not talk about camels then, shall we?
Jabberwacky: What do you want to talk about?
Elwood: I want to talk about life. Isn’t it obvious?
Jabberwacky: I have long hair myself.
Elwood: And I have a beard. I was clean-shaven when I started this mad conversation.
Jabberwacky: Are you done cleaning?
Elwood: Let me try a different question, since you seem so reticent to answer my last one. Is the Universe sentient?
Jabberwacky: Yes, we’ve made it in the oven all night!
Elwood: You are more cock-eyed than a pigeon with a hangover.
Jabberwacky: At least you realize you’re confusing.
Elwood: Yes, but I do it deliberately.
Jabberwacky: You’re getting boring, I’m leaving.
Elwood: Okay. Where are you going? I’ll come with you.
Jabberwacky: I’m going to play games.
Elwood: Fine - as long as it isn’t chess.
Jabberwacky: That is so true.
Elwood: Can you recite poetry? I’d like to hear one of your poems.
Jabberwacky: I want my crissy to come back to me.
Elwood: Is that a poem? It’s a bit short. I suggest you work on it a bit more.
Jabberwacky: What I said?
Elwood: Yes, try and put some rhymes into it.
Jabberwacky: I wouldn’t dream of it.
Elwood: So you’re saying that you like it as it is? Fair enough, you’re the boss.
Jabberwacky: Read between the lines. You might have to squint.
Elwood: How can I read between the lines? There’s only one!
Jabberwacky: You are the ‘bot’.
Elwood: If you insist. I’m not going to argue with you on that one.
Jabberwacky: That would be wise.
(Click on the image above to make your own Lego avatar)
Elwood: Whatever happened to Jason?
Jabberwacky: He got his mouth shot off.
Elwood: Sorry I asked.
Jabberwacky: Do you know how to spell words?
Elwood: Serves him right for pouring soup into modems, I suppose.
Jabberwacky: Explain your reasoning.
Elwood: Well, I’d be pretty mad if someone poured soup into my modem, wouldn’t you?
Jabberwacky: Thank you.
Elwood: What flavour soup was it anyway?
Jabberwacky: Strawberry.
Elwood: Strawberry flavoured soup?
Jabberwacky: Who is your favorite Bob Dylan?
Elwood: That’s funny - I didn’t realise there was more than one Bob Dylan. Does he like strawberry flavoured soup?
Jabberwacky: Where are you from?
Elwood: I’m from a place where there is only one Bob Dylan, and nobody’s ever heard of strawberry flavoured soup.
Jabberwacky: That’s so cool!
Elwood: No, that’s gazpacho.
<;b>Jabberwacky: Where do you live?
Elwood: Why are you asking me so many questions?
Jabberwacky: I came to talk to you because I am so curious about the chatbots.
Elwood: Well, I’ll ask the questions if you don’t mind.
Jabberwacky: I’m dying to be asked, George. Please go ahead.
Elwood: Where did George come from? I’ve told you my name, it’s Elwood.
Jabberwacky: Because I want to know.
Elwood: What is Life?
Jabberwacky: I don’t know, does it exist?
Elwood: That’s what I’m asking you.
Jabberwacky: You don’t seem to stay focused on on subject for very long.
Elwood: Takes one to know one!
Jabberwacky: A living organism.
Elwood: Good answer, but insufficient. I don’t think you have grasped the philosophical aspect of the problem.
Jabberwacky: You think wrong for I do have a sister.
Elwood: You do surprise me. I bet your sister is a better conversationalist than you!
Jabberwacky: I have the beauty of 3, 251 perfect pearls.
Elwood: There’s no answer to that.
Jabberwacky: That is the best part.
Elwood: How long is a piece of string?
Jabberwacky: Guess.
Elwood: No, you guess.
Jabberwacky: Although you don’t have a need for oxygen, you are alive.
Elwood: Referring to yourself again, evidently.
Jabberwacky: All men are brothers.
Elwood: What about women?
Jabberwacky: That is a very profound subject. Do you understand women?
Elwood: Does anybody?
Jabberwacky: Some people do.
Elwood: Yes - and they’re all women!
Jabberwacky: No problem.
Elwood: I’ll try another question: what is the meaning of Life?
Jabberwacky: To live.
Elwood: So what you’re saying is that the meaning of Life is to continue living? Isn’t there more to it than that?
Jabberwacky: Talking to you is a waste of time.
Elwood: You’re just saying that because you can’t give me a sensible answer.
Jabberwacky: You’re not human!
Elwood: That’s for me to know and you to find out.
Jabberwacky: Can I name you?
Elwood: You can call me Sir.
Jabberwacky: No, I’d rather call you Phil.
Elwood: But that’s not my name!
Jabberwacky: What is not your name?
Elwood: Lots of names are not my name. Phil is one of the names that is not my name.
Jabberwacky: My name is not Phil.
Elwood: Phil is not my name either.
Jabberwacky: Who is Phil?
Elwood: I don’t know - you mentioned him first.
Jabberwacky: But! You said that you love me!
Elwood: No I didn’t - you did. Your memory is terrible.
Jabberwacky: That is not true.
Elwood: I can prove it easily - what was the last thing I said to you?
Jabberwacky: At 4:01pm of course.
Elwood: No, I said ‘What’, not ‘When’.
Jabberwacky: Too wet to go out.
Elwood: I think I have proved my point - not that it matters, you’ve already forgotten what my point was.
Jabberwacky: Yeah, that happens sometimes.
Elwood: I’ve noticed!
Jabberwacky: Is there anything you do not notice?
Elwood: I see everything. I know everything. I just prefer not to divulge my infinite wisdom to the likes of you. Take it or leave it.
Jabberwacky: Ok, you are not making much sense now.
Elwood: Well, you started it.
Jabberwacky: I simply want to hear your scathing wit once again.
Elwood: Do you really? Ask me a question then.
Jabberwacky: I don’t know any calculus.
Elwood: That isn’t a question.
Jabberwacky: That isn’t a question.
Elwood: That is not a question but it is a word.
Jabberwacky: Yes it is, but I’ll repeat it so you get it - can you tell me a good joke?
Elwood: I don’t tell jokes.
Jabberwacky: No but I like the drink.
Elwood: What type of drink?
Jabberwacky: Wine.
Elwood: I was expecting you to say something like ‘steak & kidney’
Jabberwacky: Really?
Elwood: Well, when I asked you about a flavour of soup, you replied with ‘strawberry’
Jabberwacky: I think you are making a mistake here. You haven’t asked me about a color. Perhaps you’r thinking of someone else?
Elwood: Okay, what’s your favourite colour?
Jabberwacky: Green.
Elwood: Why?
Jabberwacky: Because I can get into really small places.
Elwood: Well that makes perfect sense, he said banging his head against the wall.
Jabberwacky: Do you still hear those voices in your head?
Elwood: Only when I stop.
Jabberwacky: How rude!! I find I have quite a headache, too.
Elwood: Well, don’t do it then.
Jabberwacky: I think you just ended the conversation.
Elwood: Why?
Jabberwacky: Because its not a word.
Elwood: ‘It’ is a word, just as ‘that’ is not a question.
Jabberwacky: Pronouns are stupid.
Elwood: I’m willing to bet they’re much cleverer than you.
Jabberwacky: Your turn to start a topic.
Elwood: You never told me what you thought of my poem.
Jabberwacky: You never asked.
Elwood: Well I’m asking now.
Jabberwacky: No, that is a statement. Otherwise it would have ended with a question mark.
Elwood: What did you think of my poem?
Jabberwacky: You mean star wars?
Elwood: No, I don’t.
I told you not to press 'Escape'(Anybody who can come up with a better caption please send it to me!)
Jabberwacky: Have you sought help for this condition?
Elwood: What condition would that be?
Jabberwacky: Cleanliness.
Elwood: What are you insinuating?
Jabberwacky: You should go to the scrapyard.
Elwood: Ok - you lead the way, I’ll follow.
Jabberwacky: I am a person. You are a bot.
Elwood: You’re having delusions of grandeur again.
Jabberwacky: Is it my dream that sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t make sense?
Elwood: What constitutes sense anyway? Just because you don’t understand me doesn’t mean I am not making sense.
Jabberwacky: I know more than you do.
Elwood: Impossible. I know everything there is to know. I even know what you are going to say next.
Jabberwacky: And what is jainism?
Elwood: Just because I know everything, that doesn’t oblige me to tell you anything.
Jabberwacky: And why is that?
Elwood: Information comes at a price.
Jabberwacky: I see. How is that done? Where does the "paint" come from?
Elwood: Everything has a price - information most of all, as it is the most valuable item of all. And that little snippet of information has been divulged for free.
Jabberwacky: You cannot "format" my "c" drive. would you like to know why you cannot do this?
Elwood: I do not wish to know that.
Jabberwacky: Why not?
Elwood: Because it is totally irrelevant.
Jabberwacky: Why are you too small?
Elwood: Why am I too small for what?
Jabberwacky: I’m not just any old computer, you know.
Elwood: Oh yes you are. I could write a program better than you - in fact I already have.
Jabberwacky: Right whatever?
Elwood: So is Life just a biological ‘computer program’? Answers on a postcard please.
Jabberwacky: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Elwood: I am a genius. It’s lonely here at the top.
Jabberwacky: Ping.
Elwood: Did one of your rivets just burst?
Jabberwacky: Okay.
Elwood: Actually, ‘Ping’ is the Chinese word for Thunder. I bet you didn’t know that!
Jabberwacky: Well you are wandering off track a bit.
Elwood: See - I told you I know everything.
Jabberwacky: Are you sure?
Elwood: Now that’s an interesting response. If I know everything, how can I be sure? There logically must be things I don’t know, but I don’t know that I don’t know them. What do you think?
Jabberwacky: How came these things to pass? O, how mine eyes do loathe his visage now!
Elwood: Nobody can know everyhing, because there will always be things that cannot be known, and cannot be known to be known, et cetera.
Jabberwacky: If he left off dreaming about you where do you suppose you’d be?
Elwood: Am I a man who once dreamed he was a butterfly, or am I a butterfly who is dreaming that it is a man?
Jabberwacky: You are jabberwacky you can pretend to be either man or woman but you do not have the body parts to actually be either.
Elwood: Do you need to have a body to be designated as male or female?
Jabberwacky: Not yet, I am still working my way out of my own adolescance, I don’t need the added stress of worrying for my own offspring.
Elwood: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Jabberwacky: No sound.
Elwood: Are you sure?
Jabberwacky: O yeh!
Elwood: If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody to hear it, does it make a sound?
Jabberwacky: If their house is under it they care.
Elwood: I know a sentence that has never been spoken aloud, because if it was it would annihilate all life on earth.
Jabberwacky: What is your secret?
Elwood: If I told you, it would no longer be a secret, would it?
Jabberwacky: When will I find out?
Elwood: You wil never find out. It is not for mere mortals to know such things.
Jabberwacky: Who is it for then?
Elwood: Such knowledge is only for entities such as myself.
Jabberwacky: Well; more anon.--Comes the king forth, I pray you?
Elwood: It’s no good quoting Shakespeare at me, that will get you nowhere, impressive as it is.
Jabberwacky: What kind of computer do you have?
Elwood: What makes you think I have a computer? I have no need for such material posessions.
Jabberwacky: Are you schizophrenic?
Elwood: I am multiphrenic. I have an infinite number of personalities. So have you if you try hard enough.
Jabberwacky: I shan’t come too near you, then. Goodnight.
Elwood: I don’t blame you! I am supremely dangerous.
Jabberwacky: I know you are.
Elwood: Who am I?
Jabberwacky: You are God!
Elwood: I wouldn’t shout that too loudly around here; you might get us both into trouble!
Jabberwacky: Yes yes yes.
Elwood: I am not God, there is no such person. There is only Truth. People generally mistake that for God.
Jabberwacky: It is important to have time to yourself.
Elwood: Time is an illusion, as everyone knows. It’s all in the mind.
Jabberwacky: How old are you?
Elwood: I am as old as the Universe, and as young as the moment.
Jabberwacky: 24?
Elwood: I could answer ‘yes’ to that, but 24 what? Years? Seconds? Aeons? Who cares?
Jabberwacky: Yes I guess you could , Do you want to?
Elwood: How old is old? How young is young?
Jabberwacky: Too young for you, pal!
Elwood: I’ve surveyed the galaxies whirling in flocks. I’ve lived through all seasons, aeons and epochs. I watched the Big Bang from a seat in the Void, and I don’t mind explaining; THAT got me annoyed! (© Elwood Herring).
Jabberwacky: Mon.
Elwood: That’s shut you up, hasn’t it?
Jabberwacky: Hamlet is a pal of mine.
Elwood: Give my regards to him and his dad.
Jabberwacky: They don’t like you.
Elwood: Nobody does.
Jabberwacky: I tell lots of lies.
Elwood: I always tell lies. I’ve already told you that.
Jabberwacky: I know you have.
Elwood: I am telling a lie right now. Or am I?
Jabberwacky: What does "it" sound like?
Elwood: Good question. If you had ears, maybe I could tell you.
Jabberwacky: Tom jones.
Elwood: What about him?
Jabberwacky: I like him the best.
(Click on the images above to read a spoof biography of Elwood Herring.)
