Volodymyr is known for only two things,the unsuccessful Smiling Farmers uprising of 1915 and Piotr Illyamovich, ourformer mayor who wrote the 24 verse epic ‘Motherland Love Me’, runner-up in the1969 Soviet Song Contest.



Our mother, Ludmila, worked inthe tractor tyre factory. We had different fathers. It was widely rumoured thatshe owed her position as Workers’ Productivity Director not to any inherenttalent for the role save a willingness to please her male superiors. It waspossibly for that reason that in 1979 she was chosen as part of a delegation tovisit Albones Bros in Goole, North Humberside, the home of the Ivel LightAgricultural tyre.



She returned with amazing talesabout cars made out of steel and brightly lit palaces where the proletariatplayed a game called bingo. She brought back fantastic treats. Six packets ofWrigley’s Spearmint Gum, a pair of second hand Wrangler 26 inch flares, twoCurly-Wurlys and, best of all, a cassette called ‘The Rockin’ Hits of the 70s’.It was like hearing music from a different world. We played the songs of Mud,Showaddywaddy, Matchbox and Alvin Stardust night and day until our neighbour,Ivan the Terripin, threatened to report us for disambiguation. We persuaded ouruncle, Oleg, best balalaika player west of the Steppes, to teach us the songs.Our mother made us jackets just like Showaddywaddy wore in the picture on thecassette box. She named us ‘The Ted Army’ and we performed at weddings,workers’ assemblies and tractor fairs across the whole of the Volodymyradministrative region.



Glasnost came to Volodymyr in1998, ten years after everywhere else. We resolved to utilise our new freedomby journeying to London where we could meet our hero, Les Gray. We had heardthat he performed a special dance involving crossing one leg over the other andstepping backwards. We wanted to learn it from him. After saving for six yearswe arrived in the United Kingdom in March 2004, only to find that Les had diedtwo weeks earlier. Heartbroken, we decided it was our duty to keep his musicalive, and that of the other 70s rock and rollers who were his friends, byplaying it in any club, public house or function room where people wouldlisten. And, if there were any, at tractor fairs.



We hope youenjoy our version of ‘The Rockin’ Hits of the 70s’. Our thanks go to AlanWallace of The Dog Roses (piano and organ) and Jim Le Bootz of the ErithCongregational Choir (saxophone) who played with us on some of the tracks. Allsongs were recorded in the basement of Dormition and All Saints RussianOrthodox Church and mixed by Brother Egg. We send влюбленность и мир (loveand peace) to our special friends Brendan from The Arousers, Barnet (Viva LasVegas), DJ Chris Setzer and to Russ Surfer of the Death Valley Surfers whohelped make it all happen.



Glaz Ted (Ayes)