I'm a Cancer who likes upscale cuisine, strawberry daiquiris, and a cozy sweater. I'm looking for an 18-45 year old woman of Hispanic, Asian, or nymphomaniac descent (negotiable) who is independently wealthy, college educated, mute, completely sterile, and orphaned. She should love Batman, beer, video games, and anal sex. Must prefer men who are persistently critical of her, have anger problems, and have love handles. Also interested in: nonsense, foul language, politics, debauchery, satire, hump-catting, bravery, comedy, penis enhancement, incorrectness, social critiques, dildos as art, beer snobbery, pretending I'm a talented comedian, women with deep voices, science fiction, giving myself cancer by internalizing my misery, misapplication of talent, acting, fighting, and becoming a mad scientist and/or professional archer.

In all seriousness, I would love to make comedy my full-time career. More than anything, it is my goal to use comedy and/or writing to start a non-profit organization that assists US military veterans, educational charity, children, the homeless, literacy programs, and the terminally ill. I know that this is a diverse list; thanks for the optimism.

While this is partially an effort to keep myself out of Hell in the unlikely case that there actually is one, these are causes that I have always supported in my personal life and hope that whatever amount of creativity that I possess can be used to better the world in some marginal way.

If you're still reading all of this shit, head over to my website for more about me, shenanigans, other social media and blog links, pictures, videos, and other things that I'm up to.