I was born in Portugal but grew up in France. In 1990 a friend of mine and I left for South Africa after meeting South African girls in France although the relationship ended soon after my arrival. I arrived with just a suitcase of my things and could hardly speak English. I worked at several places before I managed to find a job teaching French. I later became a interpreter which I still do to this day. Although my career was successful, it was also very stressful and my drinking habits went from social to more frequent. I managed to disguise it well for many years. More time was spent away on business than home. My first marriage suffered as a result or was partly the reason it ended in a divorce. I remarried two years later and thought or felt determined to conquer my drinking problem. It was shortly after my current wife and I met that she noticed my habit. It created a lot of tension because she was the only one who approached me on the subject and this caused me to withdraw or become angry. During the first six months of our marriage she persuaded me to go into a rehabilitation facility. By that time not only did my career take a knock but so did our marriage. I would often lock myself up for days which led into weeks in a hotel room and just drink. We managed to see the first year through although my binges became more frequent and lasted longer. Eventually after one of my binges I checked into a hotel and after a week went overseas with intentions of returning to South Africa, but instead decided to visit a friend in Morocco. I told my family in Portugal that I was looking for work because I wanted to avoid telling them of my problems. If I felt a need to drink excessively then I would escape to a hotel just as I did in Cape Town. My family knew of my problem and knew that I was in rehab but I convinced them and friends that the reason for my drinking was the problems in my marriage. It has been over a year since I left my wife in Cape Town and I stopped having contact with her a few months after my arrival in Morocco after she found out about the affair I was having with a woman I met and now live with in Morocco. Throughout my life I blamed other people for my anger and drinking. At first I blamed my father and what I witnessed growing up which put a strain on our relationship then there were physical fights at clubs or road rage. I blamed my first wife for walking out on me then later my boss and more recently my current wife. I did not want to confess that I had a drinking problem because I didn't want to believe it myself so I covered it up for many years and people close to me did not see the problem either. I did not realise what damage I was causing until now and even as I write this I suppose I still makes excuses for my drinking. My wife is a religious Jewish woman and mother of two daughters so I can understand her concern for not wanting the children to be subjected to anything harmful. I know that I can control my drinking provided that I avoid stressful situations. Drinking is my coping mechanism and has been for most of my life. They say that alcoholism is a progressive illness but I feel that if there are no triggers to set it off then it can be managed or am I still in denial? The Moroccan woman asks no questions and does not put pressure on me to stop drinking and in this way I don't drink excessively. My wife and step-daughters have tried over the past year to contact me but I'm afraid that if I make contact, it will start all over again. I am happy with my life as it is. Is it unfair to want a better life? Doesn't everyone deserve another chance? While I was living in Cape Town, I became so enraged that I almost killed a man by driving him over. I was supposed to appear court for charges against me but I left for Portugal. My wife insists that it's the reason I fled but there were too many reasons why I left and now I have no reason to return. It reminds me of the time my brothers and I hit a man so badly in Portugal that he landed up in hospital but I was on holiday and returned to Cape Town soon after it happened. I am not proud of what I have done in my life but since turning 50 I feel my life has just begun and it seems that Morocco is a good place to start over.