We had been trying to fix a shielding problem because he was picking up radio signals from Mexico, but now we were picking up distress signals from the heart of the nation unbounded by time and space.

We found that the nation represented by the raptor with the receding hairline had been ground down by colonization, processed by miseducation and fried by disinformation. With all of its moral nutrition removed America had become a Bald Eagle Burger.

We did what any other American would do under the circumstances. We broke out the musical mustard and spread it thick over our pickles of discontent so that we could more easily slide our meaty message down your earholes. Open wide!