*Punches sand* They finally, really did it, the maniacs! They’ve made the third instalment in the Planet Of The Apes reboot series, War For The Planet Of The Apes, hitting cinemas on July 14. Set two years after the second reboot Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes, it finds a further evolved Caesar and his army of talking simians squaring up against the humans, led by Woody Harrelson’s ruthless Colonel, in all-out battle for the future of the planet. But does it match up to a bunch of blokes in monkey masks galloping around with a loin-clothed Charlton Heston in the 70s? Let’s find out.

The apes

As charming as they were, the plastic-snouted chimp-people of the original 1968 film and beyond (beneath/escape from/conquest of etc.) were essentially the ape equivalent of The Wombles – i.e. not so much a convincing vision of the future evolution of ape-kind as clearly some people who weren’t good looking enough to get parts in Barbarella. Caesar and his modern CGI’d counterparts, meanwhile, simply rock; Caesar is one of the first lead CGI characters in cinema you can truly empathise with, all thanks to the talents of motion-capture king Andy Serkis, who’d previously even managed to make Gollum (slightly) lovable.

Winner: New Apes

The plots

After a spectacular opening with the original 1968 Planet Of The Apes, subsequent sequels made a common yet major error in sci-fi cinema – time travel as desperation tactic. Major 1970 spoiler arriving here, but the second film Beneath The Planet Of The Apes concerned a nuclear cult of mutant humans and ended with Charlton Heston blowing up the Earth which, in franchise continuity terms, is even more problematic than killing off the Jigsaw Killer in Saw III. Their solution? Escape From The Planet Of The Apes had three of the future-chimps travelling back in time to 1970s New York and starting a new present-day strand of narrative which the new era of films has borrowed from, right down to the appearance of Caesar himself. It all felt like the most cynical and ridiculous attempt to drag out a film series until they made Jason Vorhees superhuman. Far more coherent is the reboot’s intricate metaphor of mankind’s battle against nature, as the gradual awakening of Caesar’s intelligence and survival instinct develops into all-out inter-species warfare.

Winner: New Apes

The cast

There's a nostalgic fondness surrounding the classic performances of Roddy McDowall (Cornelius), Kim Hunter (Zira) and Maurice Evans (Dr Zaius) in the original series, and obviously Charlton Heston on a beach bemoaning the fate of humanity is one of the best things to happen in a cinema this side of everyone being Spartacus. But look down the cast lists for the latest films: Woody Harrelson, Brian Cox, Gary Oldman, James Franco, Andy Serkis... 

Winner: New Apes

The twists

Here’s where the reboots fall down. Charlton Heston falling to his knees in the surf before the half-buried Statue Of Liberty is such a legendary classic of cinematic twists that I’m daring to put the spoiler alert after the spoiler. The new era, meanwhile, is so clearly pre-plotted that we knew what was going to happen the second the first film started. Unless it turns out that they’re all actually ghosts, the original can’t possibly be matched, twist-for-twist.

Winner: Old Apes

The battles

No contest. Back in the day it was all apes on horseback trying to catch fleeing humans in glorified fishing nets. Today it’s magnificent hordes of knuckle-runners taking down heavy US artillery with bows and arrows. CGI 1, foam rubber faces 0.

Winner: New Apes

The result: New Apes win hands down. Hail Caesar!

Read more about War For The Planet Of The Apes on our dedicated blog.