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Calling all Curb Your Enthusiasm fans.

Leon Black’s long-anticipated book of musings, The Book of Leon, is gearing up for its Oct. 10 release date, meaning that we’re only days away from receiving the vital nuggets of wisdom that only Larry David’s trusted ally — and, as of last Sunday’s season premiere, interim assistant — could provide.

This isn’t a book to go lampin’ on while you read it — it requires a special kind of dedicated attention, as Leon drops knowledge and theories. Don’t believe it? Check out an excerpt of The Book of Leon below, exclusively obtained by EW, for a taste of what Leon has put on the page.

Excerpt From “The Book of Leon,” by Leon Black

He Ain’t Wrong … He Just Ain’t Right

Whoever you are and whatever your reasons, clearly you made the right damn decision to sit your ass down and read the most important book of your life! So, since you’re here, let’s begin.

You’re about to read a whole lot of sh– in this book, and trust me, this knowledge isn’t for all of you, but I know for a fact that some of you will get what I’m talking about. “Who are those people?” you ask. If you have to ask, then it ain’t you, because those people know who the f— they are!!! Now, people have different ideas on where and how to start a story.

Anyway, while I like that way of telling a story — I mean, they did that sh– in Pulp Fiction too! I loved that movie! Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta! Playing hit men! Who the f— doesn’t like Pulp Fiction? Besides I’m not trying to tell you my life’s story. I mean, I will be telling you some sh– from my life, but not tragic sh– and not for entertainment’s sake. I don’t need you judging my life. What the f— do I look like?! Huh? What I share is for you to learn from, not to mock!

Look, I’ma tell you right now, I know a little about everything but not a whole lot about anything, so get from this book what you need and don’t complain to me about sh–!

The Front of This Damn Book

Did you see the cover of this damn book? Woo, some deep sh–, huh?

Well, obviously, that’s me! Now, I could leave it there, but since this is a book and they’re paying me by the word, let me try to explain the cover to you in as many words as possible. If I was to give the version of Leon on the cover a name it would be Ruckus-Damus. That name of course being based on Nostradamus, which sounds like it could have been a great name for a nasal spray. Any of you bastards with sinus problems or allergies know what I’m talking about.

Now if you are educated and know your sh–, you’ve heard of Nostradamus. He was a smart white dude from years ago who used to make predictions about sh– and for the most part he wound up being right. As a matter of fact, he has been so right about sh– that some people think he was psychic. Now for those of you who don’t think psychics are real, I’m here to tell you they are, because I damn sure am! And I’m not some bullsh– long-term psychic. I mean, it was easy for Nostradamus to make predictions: He knew that he and all the muthaf—as who he predicted to would be dead by the time the moment came to prove his sh– right or wrong. Nah, I’m an in-the-moment predictor: My sh– plays out right away, so much so that I’m right there to say to you, “I knew you would f— that sh– up!” Not to mention, way back in 2007 I predicted big things for an unheralded candidate for president when I said I was Barack Obama and I was the president of hitting that ass. Now while I don’t know what that man does in his private life, and I have too much respect for him to speculate (just in case you’re reading my book, Mr. President — much respect!), he did become president of the United States, so as you see my prediction skills are impeccable.

That paragraph just earned me $54 … Cha-Ching!

Book Clubs

On a sidenote, my favorite books are the ones with the wizards. I love me some f—ing wizards. The way they cast spells on people’s asses and sh– with them wands and their funny hats. How bad ass is that? Let me tell you something, if you see one of them damn wizards walking down the street, don’t laugh at him. I’m here to tell you don’t do it. One day you’ll be walking your dog with your lady by your side and you’ll see one of them wizards wearing that damn wizard hat and carrying that damn wizard wand and he’ll catch you snickering at him, wave his wand and cast a spell on you and the next thing you know he turned you into a dog and your dog into you. Now you’re a f—ing dog man still wearing your man clothes and your dog is a naked you walking upright with your lady and all you’ll be able to think is “You hatin’ ass wizard, you ain’t sh–!”

But you can’t say that sh– out loud because he’ll put another spell on you. Actually, you can’t even talk because you’re a f—ing dog.

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