Since his Warriors squeaked past the Thunder in the Western Conference Finals, Draymond Green has had a hard time. I mean, just take a look at this:



^ That’s a penis.



^ That’s a dick.

(Smiling mugshot courtesy of the East Lansing, Michigan Police Department after he was arrested then set free on $200 bond after allegedly "slapping the shit" out of a Michigan State football player)

And that penis? 

Well, that was that prick’s dick. That's right, the vocal leader of the Golden State Warriors, the best NBA team in the league's history (to not win the championship) went from kicking opponents in the junk to accidentally uploading his own onto his public story feed on Snapchat.

 

So there you have it.

 

Draymond Green is now the official title holder of the Anthony Weiner Social Media Faux Pas Trophy, known in the NBA as the JR Smith “You tryin' to get the pipe?” Award.

 

Congratulations Draymond, you fucking dick.

 

Social Media as a Weapon

Recommended Pairing: A gas mask/bong hybrid and youthful joy.

Social Media is the perfect medium for sharing pictures of your dogwood left cock, looking at pictures of other people’s food while you poop; watching girls spend their day looking at themselves outside various locations; “accidentally” snitching on Nick Young, or just getting super fucking high with your friends while wearing a dope weed smoking gas mask.



Unfortunately, that was a multi-million dollar bong rip for Laremy Tunsil, a highly sought after draft pick for the NFL that tumbled down the draft board when the above video was leaked onto his twitter account just minutes before the draft began. The story goes, allegedly, that his step-father, mad from a previous altercation hacked his account and posted the video deliberately to cost him money. Damn. This was a college kid doing college kid things and then he gets painted as some sort of deviant with character issues. I mean, to me he just looks like a guy I wish lived in my dorm and would want to hang out with occasionally. 

 

Another "leak" on his Instagram account showed that he had asked for and possibly taken money from the coaching staff of the Ole Miss Football team. Whoops. But here we are again, this is just a college kid doing college kid things. I asked for money all the time when I was in college, but this kid got crushed by the sports news machine.

You see, these are real people trying to enjoy their real lives in the real world.

 

And that’s the problem, since the invention of celebrity athletes we have also seen the rise in public relations. So instead of getting to know athlete's as they grow through a career we get media training, deflections, puff pieces, commercials and photo opportunities. It's not fair for these kids to have to live up to unobtainable expectations cast upon them by leagues terrified that their players will be humans living their lives. This is the exact reason people think guys like Michael Jordan are fun, cool dudes instead of compulsively competitive dicks.



Whoa. God. Stop cutting to that. Get that dick outta here!

In defense of Draymond, he quickly went from lying about being hacked to copping to his embarrassing portrait.

 

 

Epic Olympic Sex

Recommended Pairing: 45 condoms and a prescription of Truvada.

• Concerns about the Zika virus
• Concerns about pollution and air and water quality
• Terrible housing for the athletes
• Robbings
• Fires
• The torch getting extinguished
• Protests
• Someone losing the keys to the stadium so they had to cut open the gate

At this point I'm actually concerned something truly horrifying and tragic is going to happen. Like, gravely concerned.

But we'll cover that next week. In the meantime, let's leave on the thought of the record 450,000 condoms, 175,000 packets of lube and 10,000 fit, flexible and virile athletes competing for their country and just absolutely going to town on each other. 

'Til next week.