You know, when I walked away from doing wrestling posts for Myspace earlier this year I pitched a few new ideas to my wonderful editor Katrina. One of them was called Mortality Monday, where I would write about someone we lost the previous week and reflect on the legacy they left behind.

At the time, Katrina said we should try it out with a one-off post because the whole idea seemed “kind of morbid.” To be honest, I didn’t get it. I mean, people die, right? Even wonderfully talented people take that inevitable journey. Still, I obliged her and wrote up a one-off post on Merle Haggard.

This article marks three mortality posts this week alone. And you know what? I’m starting to understand what Katrina was saying because this post...well, this post just feels awful, even more so than my previous post about Chyna (who, let’s be honest, in death has now unwillingly become the Farrah Fawcett to Prince’s Michael Jackson).

I’m sitting in a bar in Tampa as I write this (don’t ask). John Mayer’s “Your Body Is A Wonderland” is playing over the sound system, and I just want to stand up and scream, “FUCK YOU, JOHN MAYER AND PERSON IN CHARGE OF PLAYING MUSIC! PUT ON SOME GODDAMN PRINCE!” But this is Florida, and if I do that someone will probably shoot me to death and get away with it thanks to the castle doctrine.

Two hours ago, as I heard the “reported but not yet verified” news of Prince’s death, I updated my status on Facebook with this: “Fucking Prince?!? PRINCE?!? No!!!”

But a good friend of mine named Dwellephant really summed it up best: “Bowie, Phife, Merle, Prince. What the shit, 2016?”

What the shit indeed, 2016. What the fucking shit?

Sigh. How do I segue this? I mean...he was Prince, guys. He was fucking Prince. How does one sum up Prince in a list of five things? Honestly, one doesn’t. So here are the first five things that came to mind.

Now if someone could just turn off this fucking John Mayer song already, that would be awesome.

Purple Rain

The album, the movie, the song. Take your pick.

In 1984, every second of it/them was unlike anything most of us had ever seen or heard. The album, Prince’s sixth studio release, came out on June 25, 1984. A month later, on July 27, the film was released in theaters.

Being only seven years old at the time, I obviously didn’t see it in the theaters, but my uncles had a bootlegged copy they had recorded off of HBO that we would watch on loop. It had adult themes, what with Prince’s father being abusive and Apollonia having to purify herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. Still, even as a child, I watched and listened.

Prince's performance oozed a confidence and sexiness that was unlike anything anyone else was making in music at the time. In hindsight, maybe my parents shouldn’t have let me watch that movie or listen to that album. But they did, and I’m grateful for it.

Every track on that album is a fucking masterpiece, and because of that many of those songs have become a soundtrack to our childhood. As an album, it’s right up there with Michael Jackson’s Thriller and Madonna’s Like A Virgin.

And if you disagree with me, go listen to some more John Mayer, asshole!

Guitar Skills That Rivaled Hendrix

Prince will forever be remembered for his lyrics and the way that he belted them out, but he was a fucking wizard on the guitar. Is it ridiculous for me to say that he was right up there with Hendrix, Clapton, and the guitar player I always imagined I’d become? No, it’s not.

Prince was able to pick a guitar faster than most metal guitarists, but he never fully got credit for this ability because of the type of music he became synonymous with. If he had been the front man of a death metal band named Sweet & Delicious Baby Headz (a name I always wanted to start a band under... or open a BBQ joint under) all of these longhaired dudes wearing different shades of black would’ve been like, “That motherfucker can shred!” Instead, he changed his name to a symbol and grew out an Angela Davis-esque afro.

Still, seriously, that motherfucker could shred.

The 'Batman' Soundtrack and/or “Erotic City”

These two items also shaped my childhood. Was the Batman soundtrack a masterpiece? Not by any means. But to an impressionable 12-year-old boy, the idea that a musician you loved had made the music for a movie you loved was mind-blowing. And, come on... that video is pretty fucking sweet, too.

“Erotic City” is a different story. The track was originally released as a B-side to “Let’s Go Crazy” in 1984, and I distinctly remember my mom putting this album on while she cleaned our apartment over the weekend. Later, as a teenager, I actually paid attention to the lyrics for the first time and thought, Wait... what? My mom should not have been playing this.

In May 1997, Prince inducted Parliament-Funkadelic into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. During his intro, he admitted that “Erotic City” was recorded soon after he saw Parliament-Funkadelic at the Beverly Theatre in LA in 1983.

If that isn’t reason enough for you to love this song, I don’t know what is.

One of the Best 'Chappelle’s Show' Bits—Possibly One of the Best Bits Period—Ever

Two words: “Game. Blouses.”

He Never Turned His Back on the Midwest

Prince was arguably one of the top three most influential pop musicians of our generation, but he never turned his back on his hometown.

He was born on June 7, 1958 in Minneapolis, MN. Today, he died in Chanhassen, less than 20 miles from where he was born.

When one gets to the level that Prince did, one often leaves for Los Angeles or New York or London. Prince never did that. He was born a Minnesotan, and today he died a Minnesotan. That's pure fucking rock star, folks.

And finally, since he's Prince, one final/sixth thing...

He’s Not John Mayer

Enough said.

Fuck the Queen, man. Long live Prince.