I need to be honest and up front here—I like Zack Snyder’s movies. I like his comic book movies too. 300 and Watchmen were faithful and beautiful adaptations of the original material. I’ll even be honest and divert from most of the world and say that I enjoyed, for the most part, Batman V Superman. For all of its flaws, it did the thing that any good movie should do: it made me forget that I was in a movie theater. I “woke up” at the end of the film feeling a little off-kilter like I just walked out of one reality and had resettled back into my own.  That being said, it is a fuckbonkers movie that often makes very little sense and makes me question a lot of things about the DC Film Universe—hereby referred to as the DC-FU. Here’s 5 question I have for the makers of this film and the cinematic reality of Batman V Superman.

(Fair warning, there’s gonna be a few minor spoilers in the first few and a GIANT one at the end.)

What the Hell was Lex’s Issue with Superman?

It’s well established, in the comics, that Lex Luthor hates the holy shit out of Superman. He sees him as a false idol usurping the world’s adoration; an alien terrorist one bad day away from destroying humanity and an affront to Lex’s own idea that he is the penultimate being. But none of that is really ever explained in the movie. Like at all. He’s a Joker-esque—via Mark Zuckerberg—super-evil-genius who just happens to employ a cadre of mercenaries? He’s a weapons manufacturer who wants to use crashed alien technology to create an anti-Superman weapon but also, kinda, really wants the world to think the worst of Superman? He tries to accomplish this goal in a series of planning twists so convoluted and bizarre that it makes The Joker’s plan from The Dark Knight look like a game of Candy Land by comparison.

He had his mercenaries kidnap Lois Lane and then shoot a bunch of dudes so that Superman would come to the rescue, which somehow got blamed on Superman and got the US Government interested on reining him in. Then, when the Government wouldn’t give Lex the weapons tech that he wanted, he conspired to bomb the senate hearing that Superman was attending in order to...what? Have the public see that Superman can’t stop terrorism even when it’s right in front of him? Then he kidnaps both Lois Lane and Clark’s mom in order to get him to fight Batman. WHY? That makes no goddamned sense. At no point in the movie, that I can remember, did he ever come out and explain his reasonings to the people in power or the audience. Nor do any of his machinations make any logical sense in an effort to destroy Superman. He could have just said that people should aspire to being smart and solving their own problems instead of relying on an alien interloper to fix everything for them but nope. Fuck you audience, you should have done your homework first.

Do the People of the DC-FU Have the Absolute Worst Memory Ever?

The bulk of the film takes place a mere 18 months after the absolute devastation of Metropolis—an event that was so jarring and catastrophic that everyone hated Superman for what happened. But in that time, the people of America’s shining city have built a monument to Superman in the middle of the devastated ground zero. That’s like erecting a statue of Osama Bin Laden where the twin towers once stood in New York. They’ve apparently forgiven him enough to build him a monument but then all it takes to turn the tide again is to have him intervene in foreign affairs? You people are fickle as shit.

Seriously, you built a monument to this guy?

Also, why was ANYONE surprised by costumed heroes when Superman showed up in Man of Steel? According to this movie, Batman had been operating in a city so close to Metropolis that you can see the Bat-Signal from the Daily Planet for over 20 years before. He’s been the object of news stories and been active long enough to establish a pantheon of bad guys large enough for their own film (Suicide Squad opens on August 5, get your tickets now) and already had one sidekick killed. When Superman popped up in Metropolis did no one go, “Oh shit. Now we have a dickhead in a cape just like that gloomy fucker across the bay.” Is the whole population on xanax and just couldn’t be bothered to pay attention for the last 20 years?

Is the Daily Planet the Best Place to Work?

It seems like it, because no one gets fired. Clark Kent disappears all the goddamned time—to the point of his editor asking out loud about where the hell he is. He’s not even the best reporter at the paper. He’s obviously low on the totem pole, because Clark wants to write an evocative think piece on the costumed vigilante in their sister city and his editor wants him to write about the local high school football game. And seriously, in 20 years has no one done any serious investigative reporting on a man, dressed like a giant bat, blasting around an impoverished city in a super tank, fighting villains dressed like circus rejects from hell?

J. Jonah Jameson would NEVER put up with that shit!

Seriously, how is it okay for Lois Lane to go halfway around the world to interview a terrorist on the company dime and Clark can’t get the leeway to run a story on a local and real threat to the humans of the city he lives in? He has absolutely zero pull at his office but somehow he can go missing for days at a time and still stay employed. That shit may work for Peter Parker because he’s a freelancer that doesn’t actually have a staff job, but Clark? Shit man, you no call, no show at Round Table’s and your out your pizza artist job. I wanna work at The Planet; I could fuck off as much as I want.

Is Bruce Wayne the Most Micromanaging CEO Ever?

It certainly seems like it. Our movie opens during what is the last 90 minutes of Man of Steel as Superman—perennial do-gooder in every other form of entertainment media—turns a city and the humans in it into a ball of sand-saturated flesh jelly. In the midst of this, Bruce Wayne arrives just in time to watch the destruction that will make him want to bring the Batman out of hibernation. As he races towards the carnage, he has to call one of the ranking members of his staff to convince them to exit the building.

"Money doesn't make itself...don't leave yet! I need a bot rocket!"

That’s right; they’re still having their board meeting and watching the greatest terrorist attack in the history of the world happen all around them. Do they not have procedures for this? Is there not a document somewhere in the multinational Wayne Enterprises database that says to run to safety in the event of catastrophic OHHOLYSHITITSALLGOINGTOEND? Or is Bruce Wayne such a control freak that only he can tell the people of his corporation to stop making the money that funds his long underwear revenge fantasies? 

(Warning: Serious spoilers from here on out)

No seriously, I’m about to ruin the end of the movie for you and I don’t want you to go into that unprepared.

You’re not going to miss some article ending quip that will leave you in stitches and make you reconsider your view on whether or not you’ll like this film. As a matter of fact, I’ll just go ahead and make it right now.

Watching Batman V Superman leaves one combatant out of the fight: you. You are the unnamed third combatant in this film. This movie wants to fight every idea you have of two of the most long-standing super heroes in the pantheon of modern myth. While Marvel is making interesting, intriguing, action-packed and exciting movies, DC wants to punch you in the goddamned face with its serious fist of dark and dankness. Everything you thought about Batman and Superman? DC wants to nuke that.

There. Now if you’ve seen the movie go ahead and scroll down. If you haven’t seen it then go ahead and read at your own risk, because I’m about to ruin the hot buttered fuck out of this movie for you.

Seriously stop here...

You’ve been warned...

Why in the HELL Was It Necessary for Superman to Die?

In the final act of the film, after we’ve spent almost two non-superhero fighting hours watching everyone be super depressing we finally get the big, badass battle that we’ve been waiting for. Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman ( who shows up in an OH BEETEEDUBS I’M HERE TOO kinda way) have to fight Doomsday—a genetic amalgam of the dead General Zod and Lex Luthor’s blood. The only way they can defeat him is with the Kryptonite spear that Batman brought to take out Superman. Instead of giving the spear to Batman, or maybe Wonder Woman—who is almost as strong as Superman and not pantsshittingly allergic to Kryptonite —Superman flies the deadly spear right at Doomsday, weakening himself in the process, and stabs him with it. And then Doomsday just impales Superman like a kabob.

That’s how the second movie of the DC-FU ends, almost. Bruce Wayne and Diana Prince attend Clark’s funeral in Smallville and, in an inception-like ending, just before the screen fades to black the dirt on top of his coffin starts to levitate—just like the first time Superman started to fly in Man of Steel—we, the audience, KNOW that Superman isn’t dead because we know the entire slate of the DC-FU out until 2020. The next film in their slate is The Justice League. Superman is going to be in it as sure as Zack Snyder is going to make a slo-mo shot of something inconsequential. In two movies the DC-FU has managed to do the one thing that takes credibility away from our stories—the thing that people mock comic books for over and over again—they made death meaningless.

Where are the consequences of a big super hero battle if we know that our heroes can’t die? There’s no risk and no reward. There’s no cheering for overcoming the consequences if you know that there are no consequences to be had. Two movies into their six-year movie slate and we know that nothing matters anymore.

Good job Zack Snyder, not only did you ruin Superman but you also ruined the sacrifice of our mythological heroes.

But at least Ben Affleck was a really good Batman (yes, I said it)….so at least we’ll get to see him again.