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There's gotta be someone out there worse than him right? RIGHT?!

Hurricane Politics is in full, neck break, haterage effect is these here United States, and it doesn’t look like it is going to abate any time soon. Every day the voting masses are assaulted in every way shape and form with some of the weirdest realities of the political circus. How is someone who should be, at the least, indicted for exposing classified data to the world at large still in the running? How did that crazy guy wander off of the set of his TV show and onto a campaign trail? Does he know that he’s not on TV? Oh god is he so senile that he thinks he’s the star of his own Truman Show?

Last week, I went on a rant about how I’m absolutely certain that Donald “These Deezies” Trump is actually a real life supervillain based on facts that he has presented to the public. But these realities aren’t new. There have been supervillain politicians in comic books for decades (it all started with Nixon). I’ve got 5 of the worst lined up for you, and we’ll see how they compare to Donald “I’m Actually A Turnip” Drumpf.


Loki

Though the story around this is still all intrigue at this time, it appears that Marvel is going to be playing on the fears of the real world when they try to put Thor’s little brother in the White House. In both mythological stories and the world of the Marvel Universe, Loki is the god of lies and trickery. He’s an unstoppable schemer, a shapeshifting—one could say gender flipflopper—whose only ambition is to raise himself up into power at the expense of all of those who go against him.


Compared to Trump:
Honestly, compared to almost every politician that has ever raised their hand and said, “I should be running this shit,” Loki isn’t that far of a stretch. They all lie. They all scheme. They all work behind the scenes to screw you over while telling you that you’re their only real concern. Those piles of money over that I took in order to specifically screw you over? Come on baby, that’s just politics, that aint me.

Rating: No better or worse, we’re pretty well screwed anyway.

J Jonah Jameson

JJJ—for the uninitiated—is the one time Editor in Chief of the newspaper that your friendly neighborhood Spiderman worked at: The Daily Bugle. For various, comic book related reasons, the mustachioed potentate managed to be elected to the office of Mayor of New York City. His first act as the leader of the largest city in the country? Spend a shit load of the city’s money on creating a death squad to take out on Superhero that he finds annoying, despite the fact that he’s worked with The Avengers, X-Men and Fantastic Four to save the city on numerous occasions. Why did he do this? Because douchebags don’t have rational human brains.

Compared to Trump: A private businessman who gets into a position of authority and power, and then uses that power like an angry toddler who throws a tantrum and smashes his toys when things don’t go his way. Sounds like a pretty one to one comparison if you ask me.

Rating: Even Stevens on this one too. That doesn’t bode well.

Senator Robert Kelly

If the Marvel universe had a George Wallace stand in, it would be Senator Robert Kelly. Senator Kelly hates mutants like non-fictional senators hate poor people. He has done everything in his power to make an entire race of people on the planet not only a segregated minority, but practically illegal. He hates mutants so much that he even helped the United States government create giant robots (autonomous drones) that were designed to seek and remotely kill these mutants (terrorists). I really hate it when the real world takes clues on how to be bad guys from my fiction.

Compared to Trump: Now Trump hasn’t come out and said explicitly that he hates all poor, non-white people on the face of the earth. He hasn’t advocated for violating the Geneva Convention by killing terrorists with bullets dipped in pigs blood. He hasn’t said that he would not only kill terrorists that threaten this nation but that he would also kill their families. He hasn’t said that all of our neighbors to the south are criminals and rapists who should be eliminated. Except..wait...yes he has said all  those things. This is still sitting way too close to call. And that’s a bad thing.

Rating: Oh come on, we’re still tied?

Lex Luthor

Yes, that Lex Luthor. Superman’s archnemesis. Super-genius. Genocidal maniac and, at one point in the history of the DC Universe, President of the FUCKING United States. Some of his most notable accomplishments as head psychopath in charge of the free world are: killing Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend over a business dispute with Wayne Enterprises (hasn’t that guy suffered enough?) and failing to alert the powers that be that he had evidence of an extraterrestrial terrorist attack that would kill thousands of Americans. Though, admittedly, he never had his “Mission Accomplished” moment on board an aircraft carrier.

Compared to Trump: Okay, finally, we’re putting a little distance between fictional bad guys and actual bad guys. While it’s hard to say that Donald “My Hair’s a Dead Squirrel” Trump would go so far as to kill a business rival, or that he would let a city get destroyed by an alien threat, the thought of a man who has no control over his sewer hole of a mouth representing the American people on the world’s stage is a little more than appalling. But not nearly as appalling as Lex Luthor.

Rating: Finally the fictional bad guys are worse than reality.

The Smiler

The newly elected President in Warren Ellis’ epic Transmetropolitan, The Smiler—so called for his perpetual, rigor mortis like grin—is such an awe-inspiring asshole that he makes a guy nicknamed “The Beast” look like the best option. He only wants the Presidency so that he can lord over and control people. He wants it so bad that any time his approval ratings start to dip he kills someone close to him so that he’ll get the sympathy vote. He kills puppies for fun and whacks off into the American flag—and in this story he won the election.

Compared to Trump: There is literally no worse politician than The Smiler. The Donald would never openly admit to whatever his real plans for running for The Presidency are. Other than his media sound bytes, there is really no compelling reason that he should be running for office. But he couldn’t be as bad as The Smiler could he? Could he?

Rating: Sweet tap dancing jesus don’t let it come to this.

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