Well, the Royal Rumble came and went, and not one of my five surprise-appearance predictions—Finn Bálor, Jeff Hardy, Undertaker, Seth Rollins, or The Mountie—came true.

Does this come as a shock to me? Not at all. Know why? Because that would’ve broken the yawn-inducing status quo that has become the WWE.

To be honest, I knew none of my predictions were going to come true just before the Rumble started. It dawned on me while talking to a good friend about what his predictions were for the match. He said, “Triple H is going to come out last and beat Reigns for the title. Then it will be Triple H and Reigns for the belt in the main event at WrestleMania.”

Like a fucking psychic, he called it. No shit.

And suddenly, it all made perfect sense. Of course that was WWE’s plan, because that is fucking boring. Oh, you mean we, the fans, have the privilege of witnessing yet another Triple H championship run? Yippee! That’s exactly what no one asked for! Why don’t you just serve me a plate of diarrhea and kick me in the dick while you’re at it?

Fact is, just like the characters they portray on television, The Authority (AKA the company) isn’t interested in giving fans something new. They’re only interested in the tried and true; if it’s the safest option on the table it’s going to be the one they pick, even if it makes fans roll their eyes and swear at their television sets.

Because to put it bluntly, they don’t care.

So I’m going to roll with their “I don’t give a fuck what you want” attitude and give you a list of five reasons why the Royal Rumble was a disaster. But rather than give you clips of wrestling along the way—clips, I’d like to point out, that are linked directly from WWE’s YouTube page—I’m going to pepper this post with videos of something far more entertaining than anything going on in the WWE.

That’s right, I’m going to feature videos of people/things falling down. Like this 22-minute compilation of kids eating it.

What’s that? You were hoping for wrestling clips? Well, just like WWE, I don’t care what you want!

There Were No Surprise Appearances, Good or Bad

Sure, AJ Styles showed up, but that rumor had been making the rounds since WWE confirmed signing him on January 20. And yes, we got to witness the return of Sami Zayn, but...then what? A whole lot of nothing, that’s what!

We got neither a welcome surprise like Daniel Bryan, nor an unwelcome surprise like Repo Man. Each entrant was more safe choice than surprise cameo, which the Rumble has always been synonymous with.

Audiences enjoy a curveball every once in awhile, WWE. You know, like when you’re expecting to watch a wrestling video but then click on a link only to realize that it’s just a compilation of drunk people falling over.

The Pre-Show Match Results Were Ludicrous

In case you missed it, the pre-show featured a fatal four-way tag team match with the two winners moving on to qualify for the Rumble match. The entrants: Mark Henry and Jack Swagger, Darren Young and Damien Sandow, The Dudley Boyz and The Ascension.

Now, admittedly, I have a favorite—Darren Young and Damien Sandow—but guess who won? Fucking Jack Swagger and Mark Henry. I have two issues with this. First, Swagger should’ve been included in the Rumble match without having to compete in this stupid pre-show match first. This is just further proof that the company doesn’t know what to do with their middle-tier Superstars. And my second issue is...MARK HENRY?!? Why? Did the Great Khali have other plans?

I think The Ascension is a joke of a tag team—and don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want them to win either—but at least there would’ve been some young blood getting into the mix.

Now here’s a video of old people (the opposite of young blood) falling over!

There Were No Real Title Changes

I didn’t expect Reigns to walk away with the title, so that one doesn’t count. That title aside, Kalisto won the WWE United States Championship back from Alberto Del Rio, but he had just lost the belt (after holding it for one whole day) less than two weeks prior. So in my opinion, that title change doesn’t count either.

Everyone else walked away with the belts they walked in with: Dean Ambrose, Charlotte, and The New Day. Which begs the question: Why did we even bother with this PPV?

It also begs this question: Who wants to watch a compilation of cats falling off of shit?

The Rumble Match Coverage Seemed Like an Afterthought

At one point, the League of Nations came out with Vince McMahon to do some damage to Roman Reigns. During this rehashing of Raw/SmackDown! action, cameras cut away from the Rumble match—you know, the match that the entire event is named after—to focus on this tired storyline.

While that was going on, Kofi Kingston—a Superstar known for his exciting Rumble appearances—was tossed out of the ring, but nobody noticed because we were too busy having Sheamus shoved down our throats. Luckily, they showed it during a replay a few minutes later; otherwise no one would’ve known Kofi was even out.

Now here’s a video of some building demolitions going horribly wrong!

And WWE Continued to Insult Myspace

During the pre-show, right after a forced Q&A session with the newly branded Social Outcasts, Jerry “The King” Lawler said this: “These guys are so charismatic they could make Myspace make a comeback.”

Seriously, Jerry? Did you learn nothing from Chris Jericho?

You are not a thing, Jerry “The King” Lawler!

And I’m gonna end this post with the trailer for the 1993 film Falling Down... because it’s an accurate depiction of how I feel at the end of every goddamn PPV.