Our best guesses about what'll go down in the ring this Sunday.
This Sunday marks the return of WWE’s Payback, the company’s May installment of their recurring monthly PPV events. Payback is a relatively new addition to WWE’s stable of PPVs: It debuted just two years ago in June 2013 when it replaced No Way Out.
Unlike some of their other, more established PPVs—like SummerSlam, Hell in a Cell, and Survivor Series—Payback hasn’t really figured out what it is yet. Some of this can be attributed to the fact that it’s a newbie, but it may also have something to do with the company not knowing what it wants the event to be.
As of this writing, a little less than a week out, only two matches have been slated. I’m sure more will be announced on RAW and SmackDown! this week, but until then fans have been left guessing about will go down in Baltimore this Sunday. Here are 10 of our best guesses.
1. The Crowd Still Hates John Cena
Cena could walk out and hand everyone $100 bills and they’d still boo him. Why? Because he’s the company’s good-guy golden boy... and not that good of a wrestler... and he always wins... and he hasn’t changed his theme song since Dubya’s first term. For all these things, the fans hate him. Of course, thirty years ago those same fans worshipped another wrestler who ended up being a blueprint for what Cena is today: Hulk Hogan.
2. The Night's Highlights Come From The Announcer's Table
Without fail, the most entertaining moments of the PPVs don’t come from the ring, but rather from what’s being said behind the announcer’s table. Jerry “The King” Lawler, Michael Cole, and JBL are the Jerry, George, and Kramer of the WWE (I’ll let you figure out who is who in that comparison), and their moments of adlibbing are comedic gold. Keep your ears open for these gems: “These are human beings, dammit!”
3. Dean Ambrose Loses
Ambrose’s last-minute addition to the Fatal 3-Way main event match (which is now a Fatal 4-Way) was a welcomed surprise. The company has been putting all of its eggs in the Seth Rollins/Roman Reigns basket as of late, which has left their former Shield partner sitting outside the spotlight. But Ambrose is by far the most entertaining of the three, especially on the mic, so it’s good to see a bone get thrown his way... even if it’s just a consolation bone, because there’s no way he’s winning.
4. Triple H & Stephanie McMahon Return
After weeks away, the heads of the Authority return. And no offense to either of them, but Vince McMahon played the establishment figure role a thousand times better. Bring him back! And then fire him!
5. A Divas Match Will Happen
Between who? Doesn’t matter because, sadly, no one will care either way. Instead, they’ll use this match to go to the bathroom, order a pizza, call their grandmother, adopt a pet... literally do anything but watch the match.
I figured showing video clips of people going to the bathroom or ordering pizzas would be boring, so instead here's a compilation of dogs sleeping in weird positions.
6. The New Day Shows Its First Cracks
Tag-team champs the New Day is hated by more fans than even John Cena, which means they’re a breeding ground for a new face. Any one of the New Day’s three players—Big E, Kofi Kingston, and Xavier Woods—could easily be turned. Fans will root for whoever shows signs of rebellion, and with three guys and only two belts there’s more than enough for someone to feel like they’re not getting what they’re owed. It won’t fall apart completely in one night, but when it does I’m hoping it’s from Woods.
7. NXT’s Kevin Owen & Sami Zayn Make An Appearance
These two are set to fight on May 20 at NXT TakeOver: Rival, which makes me assume they’ll at least pop in on Sunday to promote the event. Zayn already showed up on RAW last week in his hometown of Montreal. He accepted Cena’s ongoing “open challenge” for the United States Championship... and lost.
8. Rusev "Fires" Lana
Let’s be honest, no one is actually quitting in the John Cena vs. Rusev “I Quit!” match. Why? Because Cena makes too much goddamn money for the company, and Rusev... well, what else would Rusev do? Work the merch tables? My guess is that Rusev loses and blames it on Lana (a scenario they’ve been trying out for the past few weeks) and then fires her. She’s about to film a movie for WWE Studios anyway (Interrogation, alongside Edge), so she needs an out. Of course, she’ll be back. They always come back. Always.
9. The Demon Kane Rises
Corporate Kane will finally strip his suit and tie, and once again don his mask as he bucks the Authority to once again become a spawn of Satan! Sure, it’s an old shtick, but it’s way better than the other character options the company considered: Middle-Aged Dad of Three Teenage Daughters Kane; Tea Party Crazy Kane; Big “Daddy” Kane, and Candy Kane, which—little known fact—was Kane’s old stripper name from before his professional wrestling days.
10. Fans Will Complain... And Keep Coming Back
Not only is this the truth, but I count myself amongst this crowd. Because you know what? At the end of the day, even a WWE PPV that hasn’t figured out what it is yet is a pretty fun escape... even if Cena has to win.