Instead of writing some long boring biography about me I decided to break things down in highlights… First let’s examine me by the numbers
1-Number of times I sharted my pants at work and had to leave 2-Times I was hit in the thigh in a high school baseball game leading to my only appearance in the local sports section. 3-Place I finished for my pumpkin painting contest for cub scouts, fucking racists.
4-Times I masturbated to pictures Rupaul before I found out she was a he.
Website
pointlessbanter.net
TV Shows
I had a career acting in very minor roles in numerous shows.
(1983) One Day at a Time- Schneider's Tool Belt (1985) Silver Spoons- The train that runs through the house (1987) The A-team- BA Baracus's fear of flying (1989) The Hogan Family-Sandy Duncan's Glass Eye (1992) Cheers- Norm's bar stool
Films
(1998) Pam & Tommy Lee: Stolen Honeymoon- Tommy Lee's Penis
Pointlessbanter.net's Interests
General
writing, sports, music, comedy, snuff films, spending time with my friends, reading, education, new media, darts, crocheting, golfing (otherwise known as attempting to golf), gambling, poker, trying to split the atom, laughing....
oh and making a total and complete jackass out of myself
Music
Radiohead Travis O.A.R. Stereophonics Led Zeppelin Pearl Jam The Strokes Mike Doughty The Flaming Lips The Roots Smashing Pumpkins John Butler Trio Rilo Kiley The Shins Paul Simon Soundgarden Rage Against the Machine Ben Lee Ryan Adams John Butler Trio Nirvana Sugar Rios Keane Guster Ben Kweller Ben Folds Dave Matthews Band Ben Harper Blur Coldplay Conehead Budha Beck MOE. Phish Beastie Boys Wu-Tang Johnny Cash The Velvet Underground A Tribe Called Quest Drop Kick Murphys Cake Foo Fighters Alice In Chains Soul Coughing G Love and Special Sauce Stevie Wonder The Beatles Ani Difranco Weezer The Black Crows
Any Kevin Smith movie Star Wars Godfather Caddyshack Blazing Saddles The Blues Brothers Animal House Searching For Bobby Fisher Raiders of the Lost Ark Monty Python Stripes Goodwill Hunting Tombstone Swingers Goodfellas Office Space The Longest Yard (The old one) Mystic River Snatch Jarhead Full Metal Jacket Say Anything The Goonies Half Baked High Fidelity Swingers Garden State Karate Kid History of the World Boondock Saints The 40 Year Old Virgin Anchorman Cool Hand Luke The Hustler Risky Business Million Dollar Baby Breakfast Club The Shawshank Redemption Surviving The Game (Seriously) Bull Durham Kill Bill Resevoir Dogs Pulp Fiction Any 80's Movie
Former Profiles
I used to change my profile every month or so to a different person before I just became Kevin's "Freaking". I would update it with a new video, quote, pic and name. Here is a list of some of the people I have been with a link to their video.
The Wire, The Daily Show, Colbert Report, Sopranos, Simpsons (old episodes), Curb Your Enthusiasm, Deadwood, Lost, Conan, Seinfeld, and old episodes of Cheers....
I can't deny my love of reality tv either, it lends itself to the best running commentary
It takes a second to download but it is worth the wait.
Books
The Naked and the Dead, Encyclopedia Brown (come on they were great), Stupid White Men, A Separate Peace, Chicken Little, Various Autobiographies, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius , You Shall Know Our Velocity
Heroes
Daniel Larusso, the kid took on the entire Cobra Kai, that is just balls.
Also how could I forget, Chuck "Freaking" Barris and Gene Gene the Dancing Machine:
I used to be on myspace to blog and to entice you to my cam site where for $19.95 a month you can see me pop blackheads, trim nasal hair, and masturbate to reruns of 227… What can I say I have a thing for Jackie.
After dealing with censorship and general bullshit I have moved my blogs to my own webpage which you can read here: (click on the button)
Some Important Facts About Me
-I can't snap or whistle but I can blow a mean double bubble.
-I can roll my tongue but can't cross my eyes which I wish was the other way around.
-My sister and I were born on the same day three years apart, which I still think is the worst birthday present I ever received.
-I have scored a basket in basketball, a goal in both hockey and soccer but have never hit a home run in baseball during a game (bar league softball does not count) but I was hit twice in the thigh in the same game. Which I think is personally more impressive because what are the odds of that?
-I started out going to college at the second largest concrete structure in the world (the pentagon is first and SUNY Albany is second).
About Me
Here is where I am supposed to describe myself and my life so total strangers can evaluate and judge me. I believe we are the summation of our stuff, our tastes, and our knowledge, now having said that I want you to know that I know all the lyrics to the “Humpty Dance”. I would like to think that I am not a very complicated person but after reflecting on what to write here I have discovered that I am a train wreck..... Damn these profiles.
-I can and do like to cook
-I like to laugh and consider myself funny
-I like competition
-I think anything that can be bet on
-Soccer really isn't boring to watch if you are watching quality teams. Something in like the European Champions League, or even maybe a good English Premier Division match would count.
-There are good articles in playboy... no really there are.
-The only good news on TV is the BBC World News
-Homestarrunner.com, Genius if you haven't been there stop reading this and go.... Seriously! Watch a Strong bad e-mail or two. It might change your life. Okay, maybe not, it will probably just suck you in and piss away two hours of your life.
-I am great at useless trivia and reading the Snapple fact of the day from the cap of a bottle of Snapple makes me happy.
Random Item
-I can nail just about any movie quote... although I have been stumped a few times lately.
-There is nothing better when your girlfriend leaves your apartment but it still smells like her (note: I am talking about general odor not well...um you know)
-I think I am solid poker player, but everyone thinks they are good at sex and poker.
-Learning is something that never stops ... I never believed my teachers when they told me that but they were right
-I am a good DJ but I have NO other musical talent, and not even spinning.. I can just change cds with a good music selection... So after further thought, I guess I don't have any musical talent
-Sitting in a baseball stadium on a summer afternoon is one of the greatest things you can do to waste three hours
Random Item 2
Things I Dislike
-Larry King should be shot... I think my 4 year old nephew could ask tougher questions. He probably would follow every answer he didn't like with a really funny and weird face, possibly spitting juice at the interviewee.
-I think My Big Fat Greek Wedding was horrible, seriously it was not funny. Furthermore, Lost in Translation was grossly overrated. There I said it. I did not like Lost in Translation all that much.
-Parents and animals love me it's their daughters/owners that are the issue
-Glitter is the worst movie ever made, ok I only watched ten seconds of it but come on... It's Mariah Carey now if it was crazy TRL Mariah Carey going through a breakdown I could sit through that for two hours easily.
-I think MTV is really the downfall of American youth culture, bad music has been pushed on people to a level that is unheard of even surpassing the disco ear ...... but I can't stop watching real world will anyone ever beat Frankie from the San Diego season? I mean come on... It was reality TV gold. Don't go old school and throw Puck in my face, he has nothing on Frankie.....NOTHING.
-Fox News is evil
-Question: why do people write checks in the fast lane at the supermarket...... I hate that
-I have railed on Ashlee Simpson for months.... Her mistake on SNL just confirmed that I am never wrong about these things. Of course I did buy the Vanilla Ice album and I though Jodeci was the second coming of Stevie Wonder but I was young and stupid.
-Making spaghetti does not include using ragu as sauce
-This is for everyone in Southern California- YOU EAT BLUE CHEESE WITH YOUR CHICKEN WINGS NOT RANCH DRESSING.
-I hate the smell of theme park water
-I have an irrational hatred of Paris Hilton, JJ Reddick, small dogs, and Fez.
Random Thoughts
-I feel like a loser when I am forced to go into starbucks and I order hot chocolate because I don't drink coffee, furthermore their hot chocolate is shit... It is all about Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf or whatever starbucks jr is called
-Monopoly and Risk when finished make you wonder what happened to the last four hours of your life.
-Why is the handicapped stall the farthest stall in the bathroom?
-Does anyone have respect for Fred Durst?
-Who is dirtier Carmen Electra or Pam Anderson I can't decide? (note this was an old random thought it has been answered....It is Paris Hilton)
-Why do people in Southern California not understand that Kobe Bryant is not a good person?
Quotes
"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."-Lloyd Dobler
“There is an exalted ideal toward which we can reach: the event itself in its human intelligibility, its unity, its diversity. I know how far from it I have remained.”- Ranke
Who I'd like to meet: 1) Someone that can name all fifty states (It doesn't have to be in order and no you can't use a map)
2) Someone that thinks Bobby Brown could have turned it around but with him doing the theme song to Ghostbusters II he committed career suicide. Although he did redeem himself by working with Mike Tyson and singing the greatest rendition of the monster mash ever. Click Here
3) Someone that liked Bill Murray WAY before lost in translation. That understands the Groundhog Day is pure brilliance and gets giddy when watching him in Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, or Stripes.
4) Someone who can live with the fact that I don't like seafood or any food that is from east of Europe, coffee, old people, mashed potatoes, Al Roker, Asthon Kutcher, talking on the phone, peas, anime, and thinks the work of JRR Tolken are highly overrated.
5) Someone who understands that I do need to know the current point spread for every NFL game. And that is ok with the fact that by Thursday I probably know them all by heart.
6) Someone that listens to me babble about pointless things like it is really important and then when I am done they tell me I am an idiot or crazy but ONLY when I am done.
And someone that is bad ass...
I think this is a good starting point.
Oh and a Hollaback girl.... well not really I just wanted to use the phrase "hollaback girl" somewhere in my profile... I still have no idea what the hell that phrase means
Oh and just recently added. Someone that likes my cock pic..
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock.
Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile?
Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people?
Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class?
I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds.
When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say,
"Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!"
What is it, gambling? Drugs? You know I'd really like to help you but I'm kind of tapped out this month. The IRS is coming down on me like it's some personal vendetta against Bobby Finstock.
you should make some music vidoes like the guy that was on hilke's page...did you see? i don't remember his name though (probably doesn't help you, huh?)
See, this is why there are no comments by males: They just seem to be unable to say anything profound. I'm gonna tell Martin that you think he's female.
Thank you so much for checking in on me, Myspace Messiah.
No car bombs or gunshots...yet.
Oh, but my food-taster detected a hint of something fishy in my meal last night...but we figured that since it was sushi that it was probably expected and a-okay to go ahead and eat.
