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Aquarius: The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.

Cancer: The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at cancer17@gmail.com in the event of an astrological emergency.

Sagittarius: All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.

Scorpio: Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.

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Top Story
Police

Police: iPhone Left In Hot Car For Three Hours

WINNETKA, IL-This normally peaceful suburban town is still reeling following the news Monday that a local resident, whose name is being withheld by police pending a full investigation, left an iPhone unattended for more than three hours in a car parked in the hot sun.

[media:72272,40336]

"Responding to calls from concerned passersby, who observed the iPhone sitting in a vehicle in the parking lot of the Westfield Shopping Center, police arrived on the scene at approximately 4 p.m. and immediately intervened to save the device," said Winnetka police chief Douglas Blaine. "Security cameras have shown that the iPhone had been in the car-with the doors locked and the windows rolled up-since 1 p.m. Due to the tragic and highly emotional nature of this case, we cannot say any more at this time."

According to official police records, two officers forcibly broke into the car at 4:07 p.m. and found the iPhone lying face down on the dashboard. The iPhone at first showed no signs of life, but after a tense few seconds, officers were able to wake it and get it to respond to a series of simple touch commands. Police said that if the iPhone were left in the extreme heat for any longer, it could have died.

The iPhone was rushed by ambulance to a nearby Apple facility for careful examination. Miraculously, no damage to its memory, screen, or wireless capabilities was reported.

Upper-middle-class suburbanites from all over the North Shore area have reacted to the near-tragedy with an unprecedented outpouring of concern. Hundreds of cards and letters have come streaming in, and local talk radio shows have been flooded with calls demanding that the iPhone's owner be prosecuted. Many have come forward offering to take the iPhone into their custody, and still more have donated free downloads, ringtones, and MP3s to the victimized object.

Although the device was unharmed, Winnetka residents expressed shock and dismay that something like this could occur in their normally materially conscious community.

"What kind of a human being is capable of such callous disregard for a precious, precious thing?" said one concerned Winnetka resident, tax lawyer Ben Klein. "Having an iPhone is a 24-hour-a-day responsibility."

"This iPhone was less than a year old," said Janelle Mankewiecz, another outraged citizen. "If someone is blessed with an iPhone, especially one of the newer models like this one, they should never take their eyes off it for even one second."

"On a hot day, the temperatures inside a parked car can reach 150 degrees in just 40 minutes," she added, looking up the information on her own iPhone.

Witnesses said that when the iPhone's owner eventually arrived at her car and realized what she had done, she began sobbing hysterically, calling out in vain for her iPhone, and rocking back and forth on the parking lot pavement while repeatedly shouting "No" and "This can't be happening." The owner is currently being held by authorities and will likely be charged with criminal neglect. If found guilty, she will be subject to severe punitive action, including fines and possible jail time, and the iPhone will be placed under foster care.

The iPhone's owner issued a statement through her attorney.

"My client deeply regrets the incident, and wishes to express a sincere apology to the police, the community, and the fine manufacturers at Apple," said lawyer Henry Durst, who was retained by the suspect following her arrest. "My client is remorseful and clearly emotionally distraught. This is her first iPhone."

Nonetheless, local government officials remain disturbed by what they are calling "inhuman" treatment of the iPhone.

"My husband and I have been trying for months, but so far, we've been unable to have an iPhone," town assemblywoman Janet Nuetreer said. "But if we did, we would understand that there is nothing more important. Every iPhone is a gift from God."

"Sadly, this sort of mistreatment of iPhones is more widespread than people think," said Dr. Jordan Heimlich, director of Winnetka Community Services, who is currently supervising the iPhone's care. "People leave their iPhones precariously perched on the edges of counters, they forget to charge them, they even fail to provide them with basic necessities like a decorative carrying case. I've even heard cases of iPhones being dropped."

"But I've never seen anything like this happen here in Winnetka before," he added. "It's sad to see how out of line so many people's basic priorities are."

Authorities added that it was "just sheer luck" that the toddler who was also left in the car was unconscious at the time, as otherwise he could have potentially damaged the iPhone.

Onion Sports
Broncos

Broncos Offensive Line Hoping Uniforms Make Them Look Fat

DENVER-Shortly after being physically dominated in a 33-19 loss to the Chiefs, the Broncos' comparatively diminutive offensive line expressed fears Sunday that their uniforms made them appear insufficiently large to be imposing to defenses. "The dark pants we wear are just so slimming," said Broncos center Casey Wiegmann, adding that a fuller cut would help make their legs appear larger. "Perhaps if we had horizontal stripes running across them we would look more meaty. I really like our white 'away' tops, but no matter what pads and foundation garments we try, they're still too fitted. Not to mention such a hassle to get grass stains out of." 305-pound right tackle Erik Pears said he would continue to wear three jerseys, a mock turtleneck sweater, several pairs of pants, half a dozen wristbands, and two sets of shoulder pads in an effort to look more stylishly obese.

To The MySpace User

Though The Onion is loathe to allow our diseased readers direct contact with us, we have conceded to author this Inter-net article. Our perceived concern for the common man is purely illusion.

In reality, we have no interest other than as to serve as eyeballs that will hungrily pass over our advertisements. However, we must somehow justify our exorbitant advertising rates, and are therefore encouraging those in the young-ster MySpace demographic to look upon our website.

Please distract yourself from the crushing class-system we promote by visiting our columnists on this time-wasting substitute for socializing, and, most importantly,peruse the electrical version of The Onion so we can continue gouging those who hawk their baubles and offensive t-shirts on our pages.
As always, god-damn the lot of you.

H. Cuthbert Zweibel
Vice-President of Client Relations,
The Onion


The Onion's Friends Comments
Displaying 50 of 2112 comments  (View All | Add Comment)
The Boise Picayune


Sep 6 2008 9:33 PM

.

Eschewing Obfuscation Since July 2008

.
Ranger Rod


Sep 7 2008 10:45 AM

Hey! Where do I go to pay your wonderful news page a compliment?
Mack E


Sep 7 2008 7:40 PM

go onion! (check me, add me..this is REAL hiphop)
JUICY BOOTY 420


Sep 7 2008 11:20 PM

MUCH LOVE FROM BONG RIP!!!!
Michelle(aka Micki)


Sep 8 2008 2:54 PM

so fucking funny :)
The Lesbian Mafia ®


Sep 9 2008 9:10 AM

The Incredible Edible CUPCAKE!


Sep 10 2008 4:08 PM

whatever you guys choose to do next, be sure to cover the firing of the LHC and the CERT project in France. It just might be the most controversial and important scientific experiment ever!
Paul


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Julian?


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Philip


Sep 14 2008 8:59 PM

your videos are awesome!
Sarh Palin, really


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You people are (capital B)
Brilliant!!!
Daryl


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The Terrorist training video in your movie was hilarious! "Martyrdom made Easy!" lol
Joad 08


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Joad Cressbeckler for President!!
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hilarious video
Duster


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Ms. Toka Nuwan™


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Wusbee


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Flower: Jennia Alexis


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Ina May


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NrG featuring Mark Farner Information Portal


Sep 25 2008 9:39 PM

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Mr. Green


Sep 25 2008 11:31 PM

"the only color that matters..."
Bisquick Hips


Sep 26 2008 5:50 AM

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-Bisquick Hips Jr.
Ninure da "Praying" Hippie


Sep 26 2008 12:53 PM

Hey!!

Approve my comment or you will lose you ability to commit acts of satire!!
LB


Sep 26 2008 8:48 PM

thanks for making my morning..everyday!!
Josh


Sep 26 2008 9:48 PM

the best plan to save the economy...turn it over to me...I'm great with a check book
superchrist


Sep 26 2008 11:28 PM

theres no other fine reading than the onion
Enlightened Angel of the Apocolpyse


Sep 27 2008 1:47 AM

Thanks for the add!!
Whos Watching You?


Sep 28 2008 2:40 AM

What fun your page is! Thanks for the friendship! Best Wishes, Linda
mark of the dog


Aug 21 2008 3:15 PM

Hi :)

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=124959797
Dying Lonely


Aug 1 2008 4:53 PM

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Lil Orphan Annie


Aug 1 2008 5:44 PM

I love going to Madison and/or Boulder to get the onion in the print (for free). You should start sending it to MO even though we suck. This would enable me to drive less distances and/or prevent me from paying for the print edition.
Great American Party


Aug 2 2008 12:07 AM

Do you have more in common with Obama, McCain, or... BEER?

VOTE BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A VOTE for GABE NEWMAN is a VOTE for BEER!!

Thanks for your support Onion! It' makes me want to CRY... a tear... in my BEER!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
-Gabe
jamie


Aug 2 2008 1:09 AM

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Shmanbot


Aug 2 2008 10:12 PM

Hello The Onion. I am Shmanbot, the androgynous cybernetic organism from the Planet Xyzzyx. How goes your blisteringly satirical publication?
Jill


Aug 5 2008 1:38 AM

Is it true China is giving free fortune cookies to journalists to make up for their internet cock-blocking?
Brittanie


Aug 5 2008 4:05 AM

I read your newspaper every day!! Keep up the good work keeping George Bush, Dick Cheney, and the rest of America informed!!
Denise Voelker


Aug 5 2008 6:45 AM

The onion puts it in me!!
~(-:Kendall:-)~


Aug 5 2008 7:30 PM

you guys keep me laughing even on a bad day...thanks!!
martian


Aug 5 2008 8:17 PM

i love the onion it keeps people at an arms distance!
blue monkey disco party


Aug 5 2008 9:59 PM

You guys suck for not hiring us.
ana


Aug 6 2008 9:17 AM

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Pomeroy!


Aug 8 2008 4:57 AM

You guys rock.

Don't worry.. I won't be one of those lame asses that try to get you to comment on their page.

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It just won't.

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At all.

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Not.
Pocket Full Of Songs


Aug 8 2008 5:02 PM

this is wonderful, The Onion is, and the writers, and now actors, I guess. Great job.

for the videos, honestly i laugh the most at the subtle acting job comments and expressions, (don't kow if these comments are scripted, but they sure do mimick small oddities of mainstream media, and people) I love the stories, too. I think they formulate a good backdrop for laughter to take place.

i consider the onion a good informational source on what's really going on about how we, as viewers, interpret what's going on through the manner in which mainstream media is presented.

I really like what you guys are doing. I'm from WIsconsin, and I believe that's where this paper began. I'm a fan, and I wanted present my appreciation.

p.s. I have a comedy character called "Judy from Texas." Judy's a man. Anyway, I record comedy robot shows. I used to have them online, and someone I know heard from a trucker who said they had Judy on the radio in Texas. I wanted to say that Judy is my voice character, if anyone's ever heard of those. So, I like doing comedy too, but I feel that you guys at The Onion are doing a spectacular job in making people laugh. Cheers us up, and that's what it's all about. Thanks.

Chris
-the-killer-


Aug 10 2008 12:39 AM

area man not letting coke habit inhibit him from being a good father.
Ninure da "Praying" Hippie


Aug 10 2008 12:57 PM

It is really scary when people see an Onion Video and think it is REAL news....

*shudder*
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