"Adult child responsible for defects"
It is not the responsibility of parents to make sure
that a child enters adulthood problem-free.That is
in fact an impossible dream, yet it seems many
parents believe that is their job.
This was brought to mind by a conversation I
recently had with the mother of a 15-year-old girl.
The child was moody, negative, pessimistic, and
seemed to believe she could not do anything right.
Nevertheless, she made reasonably good grades, had a
reasonable number of steady friends, and was thought
reasonably well of by other adults. I pointed out
that the girl seemed to be doing okay. That fell on
deaf ears. Mom wanted me to give her some formula
for changing the girl's attitude. It's worth
mentioning that the attitude in question was not
some adolescent hormone-thing; rather, it seemed to
the mother that her daughter had been this way since
she was very young.
"Is this a discipline issue?" Mom asked, to which I
replied that she was describing a personality, not a
behavior problem, and personalities do not respond
to traditional discipline.
"On the other hand," I said, "if your daughter's
negativity produces anti-social behaviors --
offensive manners, for example -- you can discipline
those, but attempts on your part to change her
personality are doomed. In fact, such attempts are
very likely to make matters worse."
Mom admitted that both she and her husband talked
to -- lectured, most likely -- their daughter on a
fairly regular basis about her attitude. I pointed
out that one cannot talk a child out of one
personality and into another. Could their parents
have talked them out of their personality defects?
No. Has any parent ever succeeded at this? No. Does
everyone attain adulthood with defects? Yes. Whose
responsibility is it, pray tell, to deal with these
defects? Why it is the child's -- now an adult --
responsibility!
Reality is the Great Therapist, but even reality is
not omnipotent. Some adult children come to grips
with their defects and resolve to correct them;
others deny they have any defects to come to grips
with and spend their less-than-happy lives blaming
others for every problem they pull down upon
themselves. As the late, great George Harrison put
it, "And that's the way things go."
Many of today's parents think they have failed if
their children have problems. They think this
because they believe in psychological determinism --
specifically, that parenting produces the child.
This is absurd. Parenting is an influence. It is not
the be-all, end-all influence at that. The other
influences include peers, genes, diet, teachers,
siblings, and accidents -- things over which no one
had any control. But the greatest influence of all
is the child's own free will, the decisions he
makes, many of which have nothing to do with
anything his parents, teachers, or peers have done,
and nothing to do with anything he has inherited or
eaten either. This is why everyone knows of a child
who grew up in a "good" home who went astray as a
teen or young adult and seems hopelessly lost to
this day, much to his or her parents' dismay. It is
also why everyone knows of a child who grew up under
highly disadvantageous circumstances -- abusive,
alcoholic parents who moved from one hovel to
another to stay ahead of the rent collectors, for
example -- who has made a spectacular life for
himself or herself as an adult. That's the way
things go.
Accepting that there are things about your child
that you cannot change will make for a parenthood
that is significantly less stressful, ridden with
guilt, and frustrating -- a much happier parenthood,
in other words. It's as simple as accepting that you
are not a Supreme Being.
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