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What’s the point of telling jokes? All the good ones have been told so many times already that the punch lines can hardly muster up the energy to show up for work on time. As for the bad ones, that sad and plentiful lot, nobody wants to hear them anymore. Not even children express much interest in being cast as players in the “Knock-knock, Who’s There” drama these days. Our current fashion of yuk-yuks seems to exist solely for the purpose of highlighting celebrities’ hoo-hahs and ding-dongs, an exhaustible topic, at best.

To what then can we turn for distraction? Brainteasers are too elitist. Magic tricks betray a most sinister history. Even a trip to the zoo is fraught with danger and fear. “ESCAPED LEMUR OFFENDS SEVERAL”? No, thank you.

Still, there’s music, isn’t there? Yes, I suppose there must be. I’ve certainly heard things on the car radio; virulent race-baiters and dissatisfied robots espousing the universal woes. But it’s nothing to which I can relate, for, as should be abundantly clear to the reader by now, I like to party.

Thankfully, like an Asgardian lightning bolt, comes Seattle’s own Coconut Coolouts: hyphen free and possessed with the strength of an animal on PCP. A typical performance by this powerhouse team of humans and machines can last as long as seventeen days and include such things as a professional-level fireworks display and the undeniable proof of the existence of love. But, more frequently, one present at a Coolouts happening will bear witness to a level of musical enthusiasm neither seen nor heard (and yes, to a degree, smelt) since Rock and Roll’s golden apex, “Surfin’ Bird” by The Trashmen.

Who then, are these Coconut Coolouts and what size are their inseams?

Conceived in a supergroup dynamizer while you were toweling off, and matured deep within a Latverian underground bunker until their release in the autumn of 2004, these Coconut Coolouts have served (and in many realities continue to do so) in prior black ops squads such as Hint Hint, Charming Snakes, Invisible Eyes, The Cripples, The Honey Hush and countless other legions too dangerous to name.

The team breakdown stands as follows:

Harry Steamsystem – Lead Guitar / Moral Center
Lacey Strange – Guitar & Vocals / Vice-President
Amazing Barnanas; Half man Half banana – Bass Guitar / Malabar Ambassador
Captain C. – Vocals & Drums / Curse Reverser
Peteza Party – Drums & Vocals / Hypeman
Prof. "Ross" Nuckin'futzz – Keyboards & Vocals / Not Tested On Animals
Dr. Rhythm – Electronic Percussion / Youth Role Model

Their mission? Rock the cockpit.

Today’s Coconut Coolouts have now assembled their first ever long-playing album entitled, “Party Time Machine” and if you’re unsatisfied with your Li’l Rascal’s off-road performance, try injecting this one directly into the carburetor. It is, as has never been said before, a bubblegum whiplashing of scrap metal popsicle slices. In other words, a fiesta stoker of epic proportions. All fourteen tracks were recorded in less time than it took Emerson, Lake & Palmer to mic their tuning fork. The intent was to lay down the gauntlet in the direction of all other so-called Truly Righteous Ragers to let them know Coconut Coolouts have arrived, loaded for narwhal. Mission, as the saying goes, accomplished.

To put it bluntly, this record is of dire importance to our national security. Can we as a nation stand idly by while hundreds of thousands of our United States citizens remain trapped outside the boundaries of “Party Jail”? How is one meant to sleep at night when the calendars refuse to recognize the sovereignty of “Coconut Weekend”? Who among us has the clustering guts to stand up and demand the immediate renunciation of our antiquated anti-bigamy laws so that we too may enjoy our very own “32 Wives”? Is this right? Are we a nation of cowards, refusing to challenge the status quo just so we can keep our dicks in a jar of mayonnaise? If this really is our lot, then we don’t deserve Coconut Coolouts and I will do my damnedest to shove them all in a rocket, light the fuse and send them off to Communist Jupiter where they will be appreciated. Over and out.

Selected Discography:
“Party Time Machine” CD Haunted Horse Records
“The Black Garfield” CD Compilation Haunted Horse Records
“Spinaround/Swim" 7" Heads Up Records
"Headfull of Stones/Pizza Regret" 7" Seeing Eye Records
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