"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
I love a good mystery in my life. For example... You know when you go to Mexico, you are not supposed to drink the water. But go to a diner here and who is bringing you a water glass?
*I have a problem with cell phones. I need the latest and the greatest. Its my cocaine. How do I know? You know you are addicted to technology when you place your internet-enabled smartphone in a plastic ziploc bag and take it into the bath with you...
"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."
*"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
Music
Do you know why they invented the 5 day rule for buying guns? People would hear a country song and felt it was time to kill the ex-wife, the dog, the boss, and themselves.
In my car, MP3 player, computer, or cell phone you will find more random music than you know what to do with. I'm a sucker for Mash-Ups and love hearing a good remix every now and then. Its about the only time you will hear a good Britney Spears Song.
Movies
[repeated line]
Seth: What the fuck?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fogell: Hey!
Seth: Don't tell Fogell about the party, man...
Fogell: Gangstaaaaaaaaaaasss... what's up guys?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan: Yeah chicks go nuts for that... the male camel toe.
Seth: Yea yea! The camel tail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: Its like a three thing... its like ball, dick, ball.
Evan: It's like a division sign... I just wish you would take those off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fogell: Oh oh, I forgot to tell you: my mom said we could have the TV from the basement...
Evan: Shut the fuck up, man. He's gonna hear you. Just be quiet; wait until he goes away.
Fogell: You still haven't told him that we're rooming together?
Evan: Fogell... shut the fuck up. And take off that vest. You look like Aladdin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good Shopper Cashier: How old are you?
Seth: ...22.
Good Shopper Cashier: [looks skeptical for a second, then smiles] You certainly are! That'll be 80 dollars.
Seth: Oh! Okay!
[pulls money out of his sleeve]
Seth: Pssha! Thank you kindly! Will that do?
Good Shopper Cashier: [examines the bill: a crisp 80 dollar bill] It most certainly will! Thank you, Seth!
Seth: Hey, thank YOU!
[double high-fives cashier]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fogell: I have a boner!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[from trailer]
Officer Slater: [talking to Fogell with Officer Michaels in the liquor store after a robbery] May we see your identification?
[Fogell uneasily hands over his fake ID]
Officer Slater: McLovin?
[Fogell is really nervous]
Officer Slater: [pauses] That's a cool name.
Fogell: [amazed that his fake ID worked] Wha... wha...
Officer Slater: Yeah, people have weird names nowadays. Once I pulled arrested this man-lady, and his legal first name was "Fuck".
Officer Michaels: He was Vietnamese, so it was spelled "Ph," but still that's pretty jarring to see on a drivers license.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: [to Becca] I had such bad acne last year that I've pretty much become an expert on the stuff...
[to Evan]
Seth: You drove m -
[to Becca]
Seth: Evan drove me here though, so...
Jules: Well, so, I mean, I have my dad's car... so I could just give you a lift... and Evan can take Becca home. If that works... I dunno.
Becca: It'd be fine with me.
Evan: Fine, yeah. Maybe we could get some food.
Becca: Yeah, I'd like that.
Seth: [to Evan] So, I guess I'll call you.
Evan: Yeah, gimme a call. You have my number.
Seth: I have your information. So, uh, put her there...
[they shake hands]
Evan: Good. Alright man.
Seth: Okay.
Evan: Okay guys.
Seth: Becca.
Jules: Bye guys. See ya tomorrow.
Becca: See ya Jules.
[Jules and Seth go off leaving Evan and Becca]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan: You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be anything, it could be a bowling site.
Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going in which is a huge concern.
Evan: Right, I didn't realize that.
Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
Evan: No.
Seth: [shakes his head] Not for me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Becca: Your cock is so smooth!
Evan: Your's would be too... if you were a man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan: I'm not too worried about it, really. I wouldn't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan: I'd give my middle nut to start dating Becca.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Michaels: Yeah McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?
Fogell: It's not the "going" I'm worried about... but the "coming".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Slater: McLovin? Were you violating that young girl? Were you violating her with you penis?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Michaels: Ah, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream, "I love my best friend, Evan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have fucked that guy?' We could be that mistake!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan: It's not just making them smaller. They completely reshaped them. They make them more supple, symmetrical.
Seth: I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.
[they run]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Becca: I'm so wet right now.
Evan: Yeah... they said that would happen in Health Class.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Michaels: [hears a siren] Oh shit, the cops!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan: It's like a division sign.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: Oh my God! That's the coolest fucking story I've ever heard in my life! Can you tell it again, do you have time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Slater: I arrested a man-lady who was legally named Phuck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Michaels: I'm assuming you all have guns and crack!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[fantasizing about stealing liquor]
Seth: You dropped your purse, ma'am. Would you like me to help you with your shopping?
Old Lady: That would be lovely! Do you want me to buy you alcohol?
Seth: That would be lovely!
[at the cash register, after buying alcohol]
Seth: Enjoy your remaining years!
Old Lady: Enjoy fucking Jules!
Seth: I will!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: [imitating Becca] Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would've been able to handle your four inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding Vag.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fogell: [as Seth comes out of the liquor store] Where did you hide the alcohol Danny Ocean, up your butt?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Slater: I'm sorry that I blocked your cock...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.
Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin' break! I'm sorry for cursing.
Teacher: All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Seth: Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: [gets hit by a car] What the fuck happened?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan: Calm down, calm down. She likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That's a good thing. It's the best.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Slater: [singing] PANAMA!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Becca: I am gonna give you the best blow J. With my mouth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Slater: Hey kid, what's your real name?
Fogell: Fogell... it's Fogell.
Officer Michaels: Fogell? Fuck that, we're calling you McLovin!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: Dude! That means that by some fate we were paired together and she thought of me. Thought of me enough to want me to be responsible for the entire funness of her party! She wants to fuck me! She wants my dick in and around her mouth!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fogell: What's it like to have a gun?
Officer Michaels: It's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good Shopper Security: Don't do it, kid.
Seth: I never had a choice...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: Nobody has gotten a B.J. in cargo shorts since 'nam!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants?
Greg the Soccer Player: [turning around] That was like 8 years ago!
Seth: [yelling] People don't forget!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Liquor Store Clerk: [talking about the spilled pile or beer cans] Sir, did you drop these?
Fogell: Uh, uh, no. No I didn't. You should clean these up, someone could seriously get hurt.
[walks away]
Liquor Store Clerk: [looks down] Fuck my life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan: Good shit, right Miroki?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[from trailer]
Seth: [referring to Evan's mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: Look at those nipples.
Evan: They're like little baby toes. It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Slater: Ethnically, was he like uh... uh... African?
Mindy: Was he African? No, he was like you.
Officer Michaels: He's Jewish... so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[from trailer]
Officer Michaels: McLovin?
Fogell: Yeah.
Officer Michaels: Great name.
Officer Slater: It is, it just rolls of the tongue.
Officer Michaels: 'Sounds like a sexy hamburger!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Michaels: You just cock-blocked McLovin!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: Momma's making a pubie salad, and she wants some Seth's own dressing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[as Fogell is getting "arrested"]
Party Teenager #1: Holy shit! Fogell's a badass!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Slater: [pointing gun at Evan and Seth] Spread your shit! Get on the ground! Loaded gun! Ready to go! Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement fellas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fogell: Hell yeah we should get some road beers!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, It was so pimp, I even offered to pay for the alcohol.
Seth: Oh no, that IS pimp.
Evan: That's what I was afraid of.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Michaels: [out of breath] He's a freak...
[panting]
Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: [looks at the line to the bathroom] What is this, a line?
Shirley: Uh, yeah, whats it look like?
[laughs with her friends]
Seth: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, fuck me, right?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: Alright, let's stop this and just go get some dessert.
Evan: No, I can't. I gotta... go meet my counselor, I'm picking out my classes for next year.
Seth: ...what? So I gotta sit here and eat my dessert alone like I'm fuckin' Steven Glansberg?
[points at Glansberg]
Evan: I guess... yeah... I mean, what do you want me to do?
Television
I'm not much of a TV guy.
Books
Dirt Music by Tim Winton
800 Horseman by Col Stringer
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Zhaun Falun by Li Hongzhi
Captain Underpants And The Invasion Of The Incredibly Naughty Cafeteria Ladies From Outer Space by Dav Pilkey
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
The Wind In The Willows by Kenneth Grahame
The Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Pillars Of The Earth by Ken Follett
Magician by Raymond E. Feist
Possession: A Romance by A.S. Byatt
Dune (Dune Chronicles) by Frank Herbert
A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth
One Hundred Years Of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
'Fighting' McKenzie Anzac Chaplain by Col Stringer
Deltora Quest Series by Emily Rodda
Tomorrow, When The War Began by John Marsden
Perfume: The Story Of A Murder by Patrick Suskind
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
The Ancient Future Trilogy by Traci Harding
The God Of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
A Fortunate Life by A.B. Facey
California State University-Fullerton
Fullerton, CALIFORNIA
Graduated: 2001
Student status: Alumni
Degree: Bachelor's Degree
Major: Macro Econ w/ Emphasis on Global Infrastructure
1998 to 2001
Saddleback College
Mission Viejo, CALIFORNIA
Graduated: 1998
Student status: Alumni
Degree: Associate's Degree
Major: Business Admin
1995 to 1998
Aliso Niguel High
Aliso Viejo, CALIFORNIA
Graduated: 1995
Student status: Alumni
Degree: High School Diploma
1993 to 1995
Central High
Chesterfield, MISSOURI
Graduated: 1995
Student status: Alumni
Degree: High School Diploma
I can resist everything except temptation.
So, let’s get familiar with my page. Grab a cup of coffee and throw some Kahlua in there. Everything I say sounds better when you are under the influence…
I’ve lived all over the US and hit a few hot spots across and in the Atlantic. With my brothers of Helms Deep, we have seen and done more in a few years that we can possibly get away with in a lifetime.
*Someday, I’m going to write a book titled “These Eyes Have Seen Some Shit”
*Once it becomes a best seller, we’ll do a follow up with “These Ears Have Heard Some Shit”
*And Finally “This Dick Has Put Himself In Some Shit”
I love everything from LA to SD. There is so much to do. Vegas is not even a half day drive and the real TJ Donkey show is about an hour away.
I love my friends and family. They know there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them.
There are very few things that I won’t put up with:
*Lying, Needing, Whining Girls. No offense but the world has enough of them… try being different.
*Girls who say they are not the typical OC Chick. Grow up, yes you are. Who said it has to be a bad thing? Last time I checked, if you wrote “The OC, Orange Bubble, Orange Curtain, Disney’s Hood etc.” on your profile, then you have associated yourself as one. Relax, and admit it so we can move on to other pertinent issues.
*People who have said I skew what has been said to me. I don’t skew, I don’t read between the lines, I don’t guess. If you want something, fine… tell me. I’m an easy person to talk to.
*Girls who accept drinks, open doors, and expect things all the time. A Thank You is fine and necessary.
*Cock Blockers. Well, not really. I was guilty of it too at some point. And so were you!
Enough for my vent session.
[LOVEMYFLASH]
[/LOVEMYFLASH]
Who I'd like to meet:
During the Miss Colombia Pageant 2002
What character would you like to meet?
“Definetely I would like to meet Lady Di……fortunately she is already dead.
Spanish:
A que personaje le gustaría conocer? “Definitivamente me gustaría conocer a Lady Di…. afortunadamente ya se murió.”
-Candidate Alexia Zambrano
Yay! i got to wear the gold hoops finally... i bought me some accessories to match... EVERYONE loves the hoops! p.s. Miami SUCKS!!!!!!!! Will Smith lied!
No wai dude! Let me guess how you did that... Being you and not taking care of your leg?? Hmm?? Amirite? I could rename it a pub army crawl? No legs necessary - just upper body strength!!
I find its better NOT to know sometimes. That way, you don't feel like you're missing anything. I'll just imagine what happened and tug my tapioca tube later.
alcohol and girls = an unclear pic of amazing hoops!
Yay! i got to wear the gold hoops finally... i bought me some accessories to match... EVERYONE loves the hoops! p.s. Miami SUCKS!!!!!!!! Will Smith lied!
Oh no no nonono!!!! Where have u been!?!?! Breakin legs and smakin bitches;)? aww come visit moorpark st!
Hello there sir! I am doing well, hope things are good with you too! :)
I got one for ya. Tackle ping pong. I'll show you the diagram I came up with. Less running.
How's your leg hun?
Lol, do you know Chris?
fyi...im a plotting your exraction for some din din time with the hubby and i....operation muzz rescue is taking effect soon..ill let you know...
No wai dude! Let me guess how you did that... Being you and not taking care of your leg?? Hmm?? Amirite? I could rename it a pub army crawl? No legs necessary - just upper body strength!!
Thanks darlin. We're crawling in Hermosa tonight if you would like to join :)
u should try the souljah boy dance instead (easier on the knees i heard)lol
still doin the damn thang! hows the leg man?
call me foul, we need to talk
I find its better NOT to know sometimes. That way, you don't feel like you're missing anything. I'll just imagine what happened and tug my tapioca tube later.
Hey, how's that broken knee of yours doing?
Wish you a speedy recovery! Get better bruther..
tackle anything I would think.....but it happens. That is the quote I use for my email. All the profs think its cool.....